Free Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs

husband, she likes doing it and, of course, her husband is pleased also (after he gets over the shock). But most important, the husband is triggered to give his wife unconditional love. The lose-lose situation turns into a win-win, as the following letters from two much happier husbands indicate: One man who had attended numerous marriage seminars during twelve years of marriage wrote:
    While most marriage seminars concentrate on the husband’s need to love his wife unconditionally and sacrificially, few delve in any detail into the wife’s encouragement to respect her husband. Dr. Eggerichs understands this intrinsic need men have and how important the fulfillment of this need is to marriage communication. My wife and I heard things that explained why we “argue” and why we feel the way we feel. . . . I have never left a marriage seminar more excited and encouraged about my marriage.
    Another husband who had attended one of our conferences said:
    Having participated in several marriage seminars over the past seventeen years, I was not anticipating any earth-shattering or thought-provoking ideas. If anything, I expected the typical reproof commonly granted to men at these conferences. Instead, I walked away enlightened with a deeper sense of God’s design for men and women within the context of marriage. Rather than seeing our differences as deficiencies or reasons to divide, I began to appreciate and celebrate the uniqueness with which God has “wired” us. Although I was convicted of my shortcomings, I was also moved and inspired. I walked away encouraged and refreshed as I received a deeper understanding of who I am, and how that translates into my role as husband.
    These men are among a growing number of husbands who are receiving respect and responding to their wives with positive understanding dialogue. And their wives are seeing that their husbands don’t have to “earn respect” any more than they don’t have to “earn love.”
    But I have encountered many women for whom the words unconditional respect are a red flag. They have been bombarded for so long by the wrong interpretation of biblical submission that they are suspicious and even hostile toward the whole idea. “It will never work” . . . “It’s a man’s world” . . . “Unconditionally respecting men will just give them more power to grind us down.”
    I understand these concerns, but I respond that husbands who have goodwill toward their wives are not looking for ways to have power and superiority over them. On the contrary, many husbands don’t feel that powerful at all. Deep down they have a basic fear that can keep the Crazy Cycle spinning. As the next chapter will show, wives have far more power to change their marriage than many ever imagined.

CHAPTER 4

WHAT MEN FEAR MOST
CAN KEEP THE CRAZY CYCLE
SPINNING
    I n chapter 2, I mentioned that many husbands interpret criticism as contempt, and contempt is something men do not handle well. Wives must grasp that their husbands aren’t half as big and strong and impervious to being hurt as they might seem. A woman may envision herself as a sweet little dewdrop and her man as a big, strong bear who should be able to absorb any kind of punishment. One huge fellow was stunned by his beloved’s attack and said to her, “You hate me.”
    Frustrated, she replied, “When I scream ‘I hate you,’ you should know I don’t mean it. You are 6’9” and weigh 260 pounds, for goodness’ sake. I do that because you can take it.” The truth is, however, a lot of men can’t take it. No matter how big they may be physically, emotionally they are vulnerable to what sounds like contempt.
    The male fear of contempt is dramatized in the first chapter of Esther. What was the fear? That wives would start to despise their husbands and defy them. The result: there would be no end to the contempt and anger poured out by wives on their husbands throughout the king’s realm (see Esther 1:18). This is not