Free Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Page B

tense exchanges, a wife’s negative criticism can overwhelm the husband and he has little appetite to deal with it. The wife sees such exchanges as potentially increasing love between them, and her heartbeats per minute (BPM) do not escalate. The husband, on the other hand, sees the exchange as an argument in which he is apt to lose respect, and this revs up his BPMs.
    David’s wife asked for the Crazy Cycle when “she despised him in her heart” (2 Samuel 6:16).
    In an attempt to calm himself down, the husband will stonewall—become quiet, say nothing, or go off by himself. If asked why he has stonewalled, the husband will say something like, “I’m trying not to react.” The wife may see her husband’s stonewalling as unloving, but he does not. He is simply trying to do the honorable and respectable thing, but his wife thinks he’s rejecting her. How could he possibly want to withdraw and stonewall her when all she has done is given him a minor criticism or two?
    Gottman states, “Such interactions can produce a vicious cycle, especially in marriage with high levels of conflict. The more wives complain and criticize, the more husbands withdraw and stonewall; the more husbands withdraw and stonewall, the more wives complain and criticize.” 2 Gottman adds that if a wife becomes belligerent and con temptuous, the marriage is in serious danger. If this cycle isn’t broken, it will probably end in divorce. 3
    HOW WOMEN DEAL WITH CONFLICT BETWEEN THEMSELVES
    My experience in counseling hundreds of marriages over the years confirms that husbands are, indeed, masterful stonewallers as a rule. Their wives, of course, are usually the ones who are the criticizers, the confronters, the ones who want to get things out on the table and get them settled. There are wives who stonewall at times, but in my experience, they are in the minority. My view is that when a wife does stonewall, she does so because she has lost confidence that her husband will hear her heart. She longs to connect but has given up hope. While his heart rate may be going through the roof, hers is slow and steady because her heart is broken. (See appendix D, p. 317.)
    In the majority of cases, a wife who is in love with her husband will move toward him when she feels unloved. For example, it’s the first year of marriage and he has been late to dinner two nights in a row without calling. She says to herself, This is wrong. How can he be so insensitive? Am I last on his priority list? This is so unloving. Instinctively, she proceeds to say what she believes is the loving thing when he comes through the door: “We need to talk. We need to talk right now. Please sit down and talk to me!”
    In approaching her husband in this fashion, the wife is using the same approach she would use with a best girlfriend. When women have conflicts with each other, they both usually verbalize their feelings. They share what is on their hearts because instinctively they know it will eventually lead to reconciliation. At some point, one of them will say, “Well, I was wrong.” Then the other will say, “No, I was wrong too. Will you forgive me?” And the other one says, “Yes, of course I’ll forgive you. I’m really sorry.” Then they hug, shed a few tears, and pretty soon they’re laughing.
    That’s what I call bringing things full circle. Unfortunately, women think this approach will work with their husbands just as well as it does with their best girlfriends. When a problem arises and something feels unloving, the wife instinctively moves toward her husband to share her feelings. Her eventual goal is that both of them will apologize and then embrace. This is the way she keeps her marriage up-to-date—a high value for her. Her heart longs to resolve things and to reconcile. Her husband matters to her more than any other adult on earth. In truth, her confrontation is a compliment. She thinks, Oh, that he could see my heart! Why does he close himself off from