Free Our Gang by Philip Roth Page A

of a seemingly nonsensical fact like that.
    Overnight the newspapers and the TV commentators
    are going to begin calling them "The Five
    J's," thereby linking them together in the public
    mind as though they were the Dionne quintuplets,
    or the New York Knicks. Just by that ruse alone,
    we will have moved halfway toward a conviction.
    Inevitably there will be speculation we'll see to thatabout
    the relationship between Mrs. Colossus and
    Mayor Lancelot. Isn't it about time that we turned
    those looks of his to our advantage instead of his?
    Then too there is the former First Lady's bitterness
    toward her own country, as manifested in her
    decision to marry a foreigner and live in a foreign
    country.
    POLITICAL COACH: Well, it isn't exactly as though
    she's living in Peking or Hanoi, you know.
    LEGAL COACH: I've considered that, and I think that
    the wisest course to follow is not to mention the
    name of the country itself. We'll just keep saying
    foreign-suggesting intrigue and despots and shady
    operations-and hope that nobody will remember
    it's only Greece.
    POLITICAL COACH: Jackie and Lancelot-I've got to
    admit, we're going to get the headlines on this one.
    But why Jimi Hendrix, if he's dead? LEGAL COACH:
    Because we haven't had a rock performer yet. And
    personally I think _the parents of the country are
    ready to hang one of those bastards. We'll start
    cautiously, however, with a dead one. And if we
    don't pick up any flak there, we'll get ourselves a
    live one in time for , the election ... And, of course,
    last but not least, his name begins with a "J."
    TRICKY: I must say, from the sound of it, you
    certainly appear to have thought this through in all
    its ramifications in only about five minutes. The
    political advantages to be gained by associating
    Lancelot and the Charisma name with rock singers
    and folk singers seem to be inestimable. And
    indicting and then freeing Johnny Carson is
    probably just about the most fantastic opportunity
    for self-aggrandizement I've come upon since
    Hiss.
    LEGAL COACH: Thank you, Mr. President.
    TRICKY: But-and this is a very big but-there is the
    rule, of your own devising, that we all agreed to
    earlier. Yes, I know you see this as "a clear and
    present danger" to the party-but I happen to see it
    as nothing short of a tremendous boon.
    Consequently, I am not going to allow you to
    submit these five names. But-and here is an even
    bigger but-but, because the five are inextricably
    linked by their first initial, I am going to ask you
    rather to submit them as though they were one. And
    to indicate that they are to be tabulated as one and
    not five, I am going to place a large bracket there in
    the margin, like so ... See? I want all of you to see. I
    have just done exactly as I said I would. Please take
    a good long look so that afterwards there is no
    cause to question the honesty of these proceedings.
    (All examine the bracket and agree it is a bracket,
    just as the President said) Now then, Professor.
    Your vote.
    HIGHBROW COACH: I cast my vote for Curt
    Flood and Curt Flood alone. Not only is his a fresh
    name to a country that is growing pretty weary of
    the Berrigans and the Panthers-and, with all due
    respect, is sick to death of Jacqueline Charisma-but
    on top of that he is, as I said earlier, someone we
    can slander and vilify without any danger of turning
    him into a hero or a martyr. In the argot of baseball,
    he is a natural.
    TRICKY: Very good. (Records the vote) And,
    Reverend? Have you reached a final decision? You
    can't say I haven't given you time to make a wise
    choice.
    SPIRITUAL COACH: No, I can't. Only I'm afraid
    that having listened to everything that's been said,
    I'm really more confused now than when I began. I
    mean I'm still very much for Jane Fonda. She is still
    far and away my first choice. but once I get beyond
    her-well, I just can't make up my mind. And it really
    would be terrible to do the wrong thing, wouldn't it,
    given the gravity and