Free Our Gang by Philip Roth

own?
    TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 75
    LEGAL COACH: As a matter of fact, Mr. President, I
    do.
    TRICKY: One or two?
    LEGAL COACH: As a matter of fact, Mr. President,
    five.
    TRICKY:Five? But you were the one who made up
    the rule about only two.
    LEGAL COACH: And I stand by it, Mr. President
    or would, under the circumstances such as existed at
    the time I suggested it. But I am dealing at this
    moment with what I can only call "a clear and
    present danger." I am afraid, Mr. President, that if I
    were to submit only two of these five names that I
    have just this minute come up with, this
    administration would be in the most serious clear
    and present danger you can imagine of appearing to
    be out of its mind. If, on the other hand, the five
    names are submitted together, thus suggesting some
    kind of plot, a charge that might otherwise have
    appeared, at best, to be an opportunistic and vicious
    attack on two individuals we don't happen to like,
    will take on an air of the plausible in the mind of the
    nation, such as it is.
    Surely, Mr. President, you will permit me at least
    to read the names of the five. This is, after all, a free
    country where even the man in the street can say
    what's on his mind, provided it isn't so provocative
    that it might lead somebody in another state, who
    doesn't even hear it, to riot. It would be a sad irony
    indeed, if the man who is this nation's bulwark
    against those very riots that such freedom of speech
    tends to in spire, was to be denied his rights under
    the First Amendment.
    TRICKY: It would, it would. And you can rest assured
    that so long as I am President that particular sad
    irony-if I understand it correctly-is not going to
    happen.
    LEGAL COACH: Thank you, Mr. President. Now
    try not to think of the five individually, but rather as
    a kind of secret gang, protected, as much as
    anything, by the seeming disparateness of individual
    personality and profession. I: the folk singer, Joan
    Baez: the Mayor of New York, John Lancelot. 3: the
    dead rock musician, Jimi Hendrix. 4: the TV star,
    Johnny Carson ... ALL: Johnny Carson?
    LEGAL COACH (smiling) : Who better to be acquitted?
    It's always best, you see, to have one acquitted,
    especially if he appears to have been unjustly
    accused in the first place. It provides the jury with a
    means of funneling all their uncertainty in one
    direction, makes them feel they've been fair about
    the whole thing. Makes the convictions themselves
    look better all around. And, of course, freeing
    Johnny Carson, you'll be freeing the most popular
    man in America (besides yourself, Mr. President).
    Why,' we can even, midway through the trial, have
    the Pres
    TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 77
    ident step in and make a statement in Carson's
    behalf. Exactly as he did about Manson, only the
    other way around this time. Imagine, the whole
    country crying "Free Johnny!" and the President
    going on TV and casting serious doubt on the
    charges raised against this great entertainer. TRICKY:
    And then when he's free, I could have a press
    conference! Wouldn't that be something? I could
    say, "H-e-e-e-re's Johnny," and he could come out
    from behind the curtain and do his cute little golf
    stroke! He could make jokes about being in jail
    with the other conspirators. Maybe he could even
    wear a ball and chain and a striped suit!
    POLITICAL COACH: Fantastic! And we could do
    it on prime time the night before the election.
    While Musty is boring their pants off about how
    honest the pine trees are in Maine, we'll be on TV
    with Johnny Carson!
    LEGAL COACH: And that's not all, gentlemen.
    You have not yet heard the name of the fifth
    conspirator.
    POLITICAL COACH: Merv Griffin!
    LEGAL COACH: No, not Merv Griffin . . . Jacqueline
    Charisma Colossus.
    (Stunned silence)
    Daring, yes. Absurd? I think not. Consider first,
    gentlemen, that like the other four conspirators, her
    Christian name too begins with a "J". Now you
    cannot imagine the mileage we can get
    78 OUR GANG
    out