Free The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley, Greg Smalley, Michael Smalley, Robert S. Paul Page A

scorned
Validation
Being invalidated
Competence
Feeling defective
Respect
Inferiority
Worth
Worthlessness
Honor
Feeling devalued
Dignity
Humiliation
Commitment
Abandonment
Significance
Feeling unimportant
Attention
Feeling ignored
Support
Neglect
Approval
Condemnation
Wanted
Feeling unwanted
Safety
Danger
Affection
Feeling disliked
Trust
Mistrust
Hope
Despair
Joy
Unhappiness
    Even though we have listed twenty-five wants and fears here, Greg and Bob’s team found that all of our deepest desires stem from our desires for connection and control. Our deepest fears, then, are the fear of losing connection and losing control.
    4. You react. If you are like most people, you—consciously and unconsciously—fall into well-worn patterns of reacting when someone pushes your fear button. You’ll do anything to soothe your hurt. You’ll do anything to avoid the awful feeling of want. You’ll do or say anything to calm your fear.

THE DAMAGING FEAR DANCE
When someone pushes your fear button, you tend to react
with unhealthy words or actions calculated to motivate the
other person to change and give you what you want. Often
your reaction triggers the core fear of the other person,
who then reacts with unhealthy words or actions to try to
get you to fulfill his or her wants. And suddenly the two of
you end up in a full-blown Fear Dance.

    More often than not, your emotions and thinking result in behavior that damages your relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control.
    You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. Our team describes these reactions as your attempt to become the broker for your own wants. You desperately want your way—to be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.
    This means that it’s not merely your core fear that disrupts and injures your relationships. It’s how you choose to react when someone pushes your fear button. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result we sabotage our relationships.
    Is the Fear Dance All Bad?
Many people say to us, “The Fear Dance may not be the best dance, but sometimes it makes me feel better. How can that be bad?” Many of our unhealthy coping behaviors—our reactions—serve an “adaptive” purpose. While they may in fact damage the relationship, they do make us feel better, at least to a degree.
    Take withdrawal, for example. Many men withdraw when their fear button gets pushed. They don’t want to yell and scream, but they also don’t want to allow their button to get pushed repeatedly. So what do they do? They leave. They hop on a motorcycle or head to the garage. Or maybe they just disappear behind a newspaper they’ve already read.
    However they do it, they take themselves out of the conflict by fleeing, either physically or emotionally. By doing this, they’re trying to protect themselves—but that very act harms the relationship and causes it to deteriorate. Withdrawing almost always taps a woman’s fear of disconnection…and so the dance continues.
    Withdrawal, of course, is only one of the ways we react when our fear button gets pushed. The chart shows some of the most common ways we react when we fear that our wants will not be met.

REACTION
EXPLANATION
Withdrawal
You avoid others or alienate yourself without resolution; you sulk or use the silent treatment.
Escalation
Your emotions spiral out of control; you argue, raise your voice, fly into a rage.
Belittling or sarcasm
You devalue or dishonor someone with words or actions; you call your spouse names or take potshots at him or her.
Negative beliefs
You believe your spouse is far worse than is really the case; you see your spouse in a negative light or attribute negative motives to your spouse.
Blaming
You place responsibility on others, not accepting fault; you’re convinced the problem is your spouse’s fault.
Exaggeration
You make