Free The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley, Greg Smalley, Michael Smalley, Robert S. Paul

perfect, either.” All of his words further invalidate her. And the dance goes on and on.
    Your Fear Dance
To make sure you understand the dance, let’s take a look at what the Fear Dance might look like for you.
    1. You hurt. What does your hurt look like? Think of the range of emotions you feel when you are wounded: bewilderment, sadness, disconnection, anger, confusion, worry, rage, frustration, horror, embarrassment. Those are just a handful of the words that could describe your real-life hurts.
    2. You want . When you hurt, you want a solution. You want things that will make you feel better. Sometimes you might think that eating will make you feel better, shopping will replace the hurt, focusing on the children or other things will make you forget your troubles, drinking will dull the pain. You spin lists of things that you believe would satisfy your wants. Or you reduce the conflict to that one, solitary thing that you believe you need to feel satisfied: if only the other person would change so that you could feel better.
    Without realizing it, you often expect that the other person will change to satisfy you and give you what you want. You see that person both as your problem and as your solution: You think, If only my spouse would change . Or, If only I had a different boss, I would get the promotion at work . Or, If only she would just… Or, If only my friends would… The end of that sentence is always: then I could be happy.
    *  DON’T EXPECT THE OTHER PERSON TO BE YOUR SOLUTION.  *
    Do you see the common thread in all this thinking? Two words: misplaced expectations . When you expect people, places, and things to fulfill your wants, you will be disappointed. And anytime you put your expectations for help in the wrong place, the result is fear.
    OUR WANTS
ACCEPTANCE—I want to be warmly received without condition.
GRACE—I want something good (e.g., forgiveness) that I don’t deserve.
CONNECTION—I want to be united to others.
COMPANIONSHIP—I want deep, intimate relationships.
SUCCESS—I want to achieve or accomplish something.
SELF-DETERMINATION—I want to have independence and free will.
UNDERSTANDING—I want to be known.
LOVE—I want to feel attractive to others.
VALIDATION—I want to be valued for who I am.
COMPETENCE—I want to have skills and ability that bring success.
RESPECT—I want to be admired and esteemed.
WORTH—I want to feel important.
HONOR—I want to feel like a priceless treasure.
COMMITMENT—I want to have unconditional security in relationships.
SIGNIFICANCE—I want to have meaning and purpose.
ATTENTION—I want to be noticed.
COMFORT—I want to feel a sense of well-being.
SUPPORT—I want to be cared for.
APPROVAL—I want to be liked and accepted.
WANTED—I want to be sought after.
SAFETY—I want to feel protected and secure.
AFFECTION—I want to feel fondness and warmth.
TRUST—I want to have faith in others.
HOPE—I want confidence that I will get what I love and desire.
JOY—I want to feel satisfied and happy.
    3. You fear. Through thousands of marriage intensives, both at our counseling centers and with people around the world, we have come to realize that when a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt and want, it also touches specific fears. Think about your own troubled relationships. You want to connect, but you fear you’re not attractive enough (or competent enough or smart enough or whatever). You want to be accepted, but you fear you’re not good enough. You want respect, but you fear the other person will look down on you. You want to control your situation, but you fear you are powerless.
    Do you see how your fears actually reflect your wants? When you feel your wants won’t be fulfilled, you experience fear:

WE CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT…
SO WE FEAR…
Acceptance
Rejection
Grace
Judgment
Connection
Disconnection
Companionship
Loneliness
Success
Failure
Self-Determination
Powerlessness
Understanding
Being misunderstood
Love
Being