Free The Fat Girl by Marilyn Sachs

to feel better.

nine
    I had worked up quite a speech to lay on Wanda, but none of it turned out as I had expected.
    She was ready for me. I guess she’d spoken with my father and had spent some time on her own rehearsing a speech for me. We traded a few whispered words back and forth the next morning, and then I said to my mother, who was washing some sweaters, “Mom, Wanda and I have to go over to the library today. Can we borrow the car?”
    “The library?” said my mother. “Over on Anza?”
    “No—we have to go down to the main library. But we’ll be back in a couple of hours.”
    “Okay,” said my mother. “I need to go shopping later, so don’t stay out too long.”
    We parked the car at Stow Lake and sat inside, watching a couple with a little girl feeding the ducks. The little girl kept putting the bread crumbs into her mouth.
    “Do you remember when Dad used to take us here to feed the ducks?” Wanda asked.
    “Both of them,” I told her. “I remember coming here with Mom and Dad.”
    “Yes,” said Wanda, “but Mom used to sit on the bench and read a magazine. And Dad let us feed the ducks, and sometimes he used to take us rowing.”
    “Okay, Wanda,” I said, “let’s talk.”
    “Fine,” she said. “I’m ready.”
    I told her what I thought. I told her I thought she had a responsibility to Mom and I reminded her that ever since the divorce, it was Mom who’d taken care of us and whose whole life centered around us. I told her that I knew Dad loved us. I didn’t want to say anything about Dad. But she had to remember that Dad had another family now, and that Mom only had us.
    “I know that,” Wanda said impatiently.
    I tried to stay calm. “I’m not saying things are perfect at home, Wanda. I know Mom can be difficult, but it’s not fair to just walk out on her after all the years she’s looked after you.”
    Wanda looked right at me, her dark, little face defiant.
    “You too,” she said. “Don’t forget she’s looked after you too.”
    “I’m not forgetting, Wanda,” I said. “I know I have a responsibility to Mom. I’ll always have a responsibility to her.”
    “That’s right,” she said, “but you’ll be graduating this June and going off to college. I’ll be all alone with her. I don’t want to be all alone with her. I can’t stand it if I have to be alone with her.”
    “How can you talk like that?” I said.
    “It’s easy,” she came right back at me. “Just like it’s easy for you to tell me how to act. You’ll be going away in the fall, and as it is, you’re never home anyway. You’re always away, and I’m the one who’s stuck with Mom. So don’t go telling me about my responsibilities.”
    I should have expected that Wanda would attack. It’s very seldom that you can get her at bay. I looked through the car window at the little girl with her face all covered with bread crumbs, and I didn’t know what to say next.
    Wanda put a hand on my arm. Her voice was kindly. “It’s not like I’m going to Siberia,” she said. “I’ll just be across the park. I can spend a night or two with her during the week from time to time, and maybe we can get together over the weekend. She’ll get used to it. Maybe she’ll even be happy once I go. We fight all the time as it is.”
    I shook my head. “She won’t be happy.”
    “No, I guess not,” said Wanda. “No matter what happens, she’ll never be happy. You know that, Jeff. There’s nothing we can do. You’ll be going away to school, and I . . . I’ve got to look out for myself. I don’t want to be like her, Jeff. I want to have fun and feel good.”
    “But can’t you wait?” I said. “Maybe after I’m gone, maybe after a few months . . .”
    “Uh uh, Jeff,” my sister said. “I’m not waiting. It’ll be better now. You’re still home. You’ll be home until September. It will give her time to get used to being alone. It would be worse if I waited.”
    “How do you know you’ll