Free e by Matt Beaumont

1/5/00, 4:31 pm
to:
All Departments
cc:
 
re:
going, going . . .
    I’m right out of staples and paper clips but I still have pads (lined and plain) and green Bics. – Nige
Simon Horne – 1/5/00, 4:36pm
to:
Vince Douglas
Brett Topowlski
cc:
 
bcc:
David Crutton
re:
FINAL WARNING
    Gentlemen, I held back from singling you out in my note to the department to spare your embarrassment.
    However, I would like you to know that your Coke idea was the worst of a lamentable bunch.
    If you believe you can convince me that taking the brand name and highlighting the letters “OK” is
l’idée grande
, one that will win us a multi-million-pound account, then you must think I have been in this business five minutes.
    It was worse than pathetic.
    For too long I have harboured the fond hope that your banal profanities and shabby appearance masked the quick wits of true creative practitioners.
    Sadly not.
    Maybe you are simply in holiday mood at the prospect of winging your way to Mauritius next week to shoot LOVE. I would be more than happy to lift that heavy burden from your shoulders and cover the job myself if it would mean your rapt attention on Coke.
    And when you have a moment, Vince, you might care to jot down on a scrap of paper exactly how you think that wearing a T-shirt thatbears the legend “TITS OUT FOR THE ART DIRECTOR” could possibly be seen as the uniform of a highly paid professional. I would love to know.
    Si
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/5/00, 4:43pm
to:
James Gregory
Katie Philpott
cc:
 
re:
phew!
    Pinki and Liam have given me some Mako scripts and posters that have put a grin on my face for the first time in weeks. Come and inspect them immediately and tell me that the pressure to salvage this account hasn’t totally screwed my judgement.
debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk 1/5/00, 4:45pm
to:
[email protected]
cc:
 
re:
still here
    Glad you’re still in employment, doll. Just one word of warning on the Bart/Brad/Liam thing: just remember what happened when you shagged that bloke in the Haçienda cos you thought he looked like Goldie . . . Debs
Katie Philpott – 1/5/00, 4:58pm
to:
Liam O’Keefe
cc:
 
re:
genius!
    Harriet has just shown James and me your idea for Mako and I think it’s absolutely, totally brill! Well done! I don’t know how you creative chaps come up with it. Me, I haven’t got a creative bone in my bod’ – totally hopeless! See you later, clever clogs. – Katie P
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/5/00, 4:59pm
to:
Lorraine Pallister
cc:
David Crutton
re:
urgent
    Lorraine, could I see David as soon as he’s out of his meeting on a very urgent matter? It regards Mako and an excellent idea that he
must
look at.
Rachel Stevenson – 1/5/00, 5:00pm
to:
Nigel Godley
cc:
 
re:
going, going . . .
    Nigel, I don’t wish to be rude as I value your commitment to the company tremendously. However, IT tells me your e-mails are clogging the already over-burdened server. I’ve also had a number of complaints from people tired of wasting time on trivial memos. As I said, your hard work is appreciated. Please keep it up. Just go easy on the all-staffers.
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/5/00, 5:02pm
to:
James Gregory
Katie Philpott
cc:
 
re:
drop everything
    David wants to see us right away. His office, two minutes.
Brett Topowlski – 1/5/00, 5:04pm
to:
Liam O’Keefe
cc:
 
re:
arsehole
    Complimenting our work? It must be fucking brilliant. Horne shat on us big time. Had a go at everything, including Vin’s T-shirt. Eventhreatened to take us off LOVE – twat. I’ve been on the phone to the headhunter. Vin called his mum. Apparently she once went to his school and kicked the living shit out of his maths teacher when he gave Vin a bad mark. Said teacher needed reconstructive surgery on his ear. Letitia the fluffy headhunter had fuck-all in the way of jobs, so I reckon we’ll call in Mrs. Douglas and her big baseball bat. We’re off to BZ – no point hanging round where