Free When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? by George Carlin

pay a little more. Cough drops have grown up and turned into throat lozenges, some even calling themselves pastilles or troches. Guess what? Right! Two dollars more for lozenges, pastilles and troches.
    I can remember, in television’s early years, when constipation was called occasional irregularity. These days, in a kind of minor, reverse-euphemism trend,
    we’re back to constipation, which parallels the recent TV comeback made by diarrhea. No more lower gastric distress. Diarrhea! “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!” The new TV candor. (Even though you still can’t say shit) By the way, doctors used to claim that constipation could be relieved by eating more roughage; now they’re pushing^z^T. I still prefer roughage. If I want fiber, I eat a basket.
    And hey, lady! Advancing age causing vaginal friction? Tell the pharmacist you have a personal dryness problem. I’m sure he has some sort of intimate feminine-lubricating solution to recommend. That’s the way they describe crotch products now. Even a good old-fashioned douche has turned into a feminine wash. And remember feminine hygiene sprays? Personally, they didn’t sound very tasty to me. If they had come in flavors they might have been more successful. Vagin-illa, crotch-ocolate, labia-lime. Just a thought. Anyway, the latest female product I’ve heard of is protective underwear, which, frankly, folks, I don’t even want to think about. More later.
    TIPS FOR SERIAL KILLERS
    Because I enjoy following the exploits of serial killers, I’m always hoping they never get caught. So I’ve compiled a list of suggestions to help them stay on the loose longer; that way they can provide me with maximum entertainment.
    TO THE KILLERS: If you’re looking for some form of perverted attention and publicity I can’t help you. But if you just want to kill a lot of people, one by one, I’m your guy: Here his how you can maximize the time it will take the police to apprehend you.
    Make sure your victims are not all the same types. Kill a variety of peo-
    pie: tall, short, rich, poor, male, female, young, old. But don’t kill them in any particular order. Do two old men in a row, then do a young woman, then a teenage boy. Mix blondes and brunettes and long hair and short. And don’t bother with prostitutes.
    Vary the types of locations where you grab your victims and vary the times of day.
    Try to do the work in heavily populated areas where there are more murders to begin with.
    If at all possible, travel around the country and kill each victim in a different state. Never kill two people in the same city within a year. And don’t travel in a straight line. Randomness is your greatest ally.
    Kill each of your victims in a completely different manner: Do some really weird ones, and then do some ordinary ones. Sexual, non-sexual; ritual, non-ritual. Don’t specialize. Patterns are your enemy.
    Dispose of the bodies as far from the murder sites as possible, always at least a hundred miles. Bury some, burn some and dissolve others in lime and acid. If you encounter any chance witnesses to any part of the killings or the disposals, they should be killed and disposed of with a minimum of fuss. And be sure to dispose of them separately.
    When driving to the murder or especially the disposal sites, be careful not to break the law or have an accident. Use cash for everything. Don’t stay in motels. Drive a late-model van-type vehicle you can sleep in, and
    don’t park it where police might be expected to patrol. Have a large food supply and eat in the vehicle. If possible, change vehicles after every murder.
    Don’t write notes to the police or taunt them in any way. It’s dumb.
    Don’t save newspaper clippings. In fact, don’t even read the newspaper accounts.
    Don’t keep souvenirs from any of the victims.
    Start watching the CSI shows on CBS and the Law & Order shows on NBC. Every now and then you will pick up some piece of information that will help you avoid