Free Being a Teen by Jane Fonda

your partner, “I need to know if you’re having sex with someone else.” This is anormal, smart, healthy thing to want to know, and so just ask. If you later find out the person was lying to you, you know this isn’t a relationship you want to stay in.
    Do you trust that you can tell the truth about your feelings to your partner and not have it used against you? Do you feel that he or she makes an effort to really hear and understand you? A healthy relationship is one where you can tell the other person if he or she has hurt you or if you’re feeling distance between you. Then the two of you can talk it through.
    This does not mean that you necessarily should be talking about all of this yet. There is nothing immature about holding off on these conversations if they don’t apply to you right now. For some of you, your conversations may relate to how you like to be kissed … and it’s good to be able to talk about kissing if your partner doesn’t quite understand the way you like it. Pleasure matters, and sometimes it takes talking and practice to arrive at mutual pleasure.
    Look Beneath the Surface
    Not that this is the time in your life when you’re looking for a lifelong partner, but it may be a good time to learn to look beneath the surface of someone you are considering hooking up with. Is he or she kind? Considerate? Capable of respecting you? Is he or she all about bravado and show or is there substance beneath what may be a flashy exterior?
    When Is It Not a Healthy Relationship?
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    It is not a healthy relationship if there is abuse or pressure of any kind. You should not allow disrespectful language, subtle pressure, or deception in an intimate relationship. It should go without saying that anyone who puts you down, uses violence against you, or tries to force you into sex is an unhealthy partner. You should never tolerate any form of physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse in what is supposed to be a loving relationship. It is also wrong for your partner to threaten to hurt him- or herself as a way to pressure you to do things you may not want to do. Even if your partner eventually apologizes for this behavior, it is still destructive and should not be tolerated. Be wary of partners who are obsessively jealous and paranoid, always suspicious and accusing, even if all you’re doing is talking to someone else. Boyfriends or girlfriends who call you constantly, check your cell phone or Facebook page, want to know where you are and who you are with, are stepping over the line. While you may be flattered at first, this is an unhealthy relationship.
    Don’t stay in an abusive relationship thinking you can change your partner! It never works. See the end of this chapter for information about healthy dating attitudes and relationships as well as resources for what to do if you are in an unhealthy relationship.
    It goes without saying that if your partner lies to you or uses your relationship to make him- or herself look good, it is not a healthy relationship.
    Listen to Your Body
    Another way to tell if you are in a healthy relationship is to listen to your body. Are your muscles tense? Is your breathing shallow? These are signs that you don’t feel 100 percent safe. To be able to read your body’s signals, you have to stay connected to your body. It is impossible to do this if you have had too much to drink or are spaced out on drugs.
    Sexual Abuse
    Some teenagers have been victims of sexual abuse as younger children. When they are in a relationship, it can feel very unsettling when sexual touching progresses. It can be very hard for someone who has been abused to say that he or she wants to stop. If you have been sexually abused, it makes sense that outercourse and sex could bring up difficult memories for you. See Chapter 15 for more about sexual abuse.
    Communicating When You’re Not Ready: Saying “No” and Meaning It
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    It is important to be prepared for how to handle it if the person