Free Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There? by Whoopi Goldberg Page A

Any fish. Any. Fish.
• Including gefilte fish. It may not look like a fish, but it sure smells like one.
• Lox (it’s fish, right?)
• Anything with garlic
• Chili
• Chili dogs
• Chili fries (if your airport sells them, eat them before you board)
• Strong cheeses. Where do you think the term “Cut the cheese” comes from?
• Liverwurst
• Sausage and peppers subs
• Kielbasa (I’m calling you out, Chicago)
• Pizza with onions. Do I need to mention anchovies?
• Egg salad
• Hard-boiled eggs. Yup, that’s exactly what they smell like.
• Cheeseburgers with onions
• Onions appear to be a theme
• Kim chi
• Caesar salad
• If it’s in Tupperware with a spicy sauce, come on. Especially Indian food with a curry, or some Mexican dishes. Why tempt fate?
• French fries. Nothing like a whiff o’ grease from your fellow traveler.
    . . .
    A few words about nuts and peanuts:
    People with severe nut and peanut allergies can have a really bad day if someone’s eating them nearby. Sometimes the crew will make an announcement if such a person is aboard. If so, be nice. Be a squirrel. Store your nuts until you land.
    As long as we’re on the subject of being kind to the noses of others, let’s remember that your workplace might be a closed space, too. So in addition to the foods on our airplane list, here’s another one that will help you make friends on the ground:
    FUNKY FOODS NOT TO MICROWAVE IN THE OFFICE
    Many workplaces no longer give employees a full lunch break. Or maybe you are doing your best to save some money and bring a lunch. You need to know that the microwave in the break room broadcasts the odor of your lunch. Notice I didn’t say aroma. An aroma is what it smells like to you. To everyone else, it’s an odor.
    Avoid these odiferous microwave no-no’s:
• Popcorn. Yes, popcorn. Ask anybody. It stinks. And hangs there all day.
• Broccoli or cauliflower
• Soups with broccoli or cauliflower
• Onion soup
• Certain prepared meals, especially diet meals, are lethal.
• Last night’s Mexican combo plate
• Last night’s chicken tikka masala
• Lamb kabobs or lamb stew
• Exotic foods of the world will not make you a goodwill ambassador.
• Anything with vinegar. Phew.
    There’s plenty other good stuff to eat. Unless you really enjoy getting the “WTF?” look as you walk back to your desk.

Chapter 27
Babes on a Plane
    We all know there is no airline just for parents, OK? So when small kids need to fly, the question needs to be asked, how do we do this together? My feeling is this . . . We’ve got to try to give as much help as we can to the person who’s got the baby. Especially if you are the one stuck next to them. Love it or hate it . . . you will be stuck for hours—so help them out. They don’t want a screaming baby either. They don’t want the baby to do what it’s doing. But a baby’s going to do what babies do. And what do they do? They scream.
    If you’re in a seat next to a screaming baby, you have two choices. You can simply turn to the person who’s got the kid and say, “What can I do to help you?” Or, you can say, “Is it really going to be that bad if you give the child what it wants?” Because for the five hours you’re going to be on this plane, the baby’s going to be really unhappy because it wants the keys, or the ring, or whatever.
    Baby wants the toys.
    The thing about babies on planes is that it’s not an “if.” No, it’s more like a “when” the screaming’s going to happen. But chances are, if you’re the parent, you kind of know what’s going to piss ’em off, and what’s not going to piss ’em off. Babies want to get down and walk around. They can’t. It’s not possible. Babies cannot walk up and down the aisles. So it helps to bring enough stuff along that keeps them occupied. As the parent, it is your responsibility to keep the baby entertained. Trust me, I know you want to sit back and close your eyes—even for