Free Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There? by Whoopi Goldberg

are flying these days, so the person you’re calling is probably not especially impressed. What are you doing that can’t wait? Why take the chance of being in an uncool position for three hours when you can avoid it by just turning it all off?
    Even Steve Jobs has to turn his phone off. The pope has to turn his phone off. Obama has to turn his phone off . . . You are no better than anybody else on that plane. Regardless of what you think. And you are surrounded by the same rules and obligations.
    So follow ’em!

Chapter 24
Self-Test: A Traveler Check
    Do you help other passengers with their overhead luggage when they need a hand?
    If yes, score 0
    If no, score 2
    Have you ever gotten drunk on a flight to the point the flight attendant said you were cut off?
    If no, score 0
    If yes, score 5
    Have you ever been reprimanded by a flight attendant for your behavior?
    If no, score 0
    If yes, score 5
    If more than once, score 10
    Did it bother you?
    If yes, score 2
    If no, score 5
    Do you make it a point to clean up your mess before you leave the restroom?
    If yes, score 0
    If no, score 5
    Have you ever used your computer or cell phone when it’s not allowed?
    If no, score 0
    If yes, score 5
    If regularly, score 10
    When it’s time to get off the plane, do you wait for rows to clear in order, or do you squeeze ahead of the crowd?
    If you wait, score 0
    If you squeeze ahead, score 5
    Total score: ______
    Tally your score and write it in on the Master Score Sheet at the back of this book, page 195.

Chapter 25
Fragrant Fliers
    A lot of airlines don’t serve food anymore. Count your blessings. Those that do charge you five hundred dollars for a snack bag you can’t get open. And when you do, your reward is three mini pretzels.
    That’s the good news—three pretzels. But the bad news is that most people are bringing on their own food.
    Yikes.
    Has anyone noticed the . . . unusual fragrances . . . on airplanes now? I suggest . . . have a little sense when you bring food aboard a plane. Because you’re in a little closed cabin, and you don’t want to be testing everybody’s gag reflex. Come on, people. Wait the four freakin’ hours to get where you’re going to have stinky cheese. Bring yourself some crackers and some jelly or apple butter. How about one of those energy bars just to fend off the hunger pangs until you land? Bring something that isn’t going to stiffen other people’s nostrils or send them into anaphylactic shock.
    Some people crack open that Tupperware and you can see the heads just starting to turn this way and that. Noses go in the air, faces start wincing. Know what that look is? That’s the “WTF?” look.
    Is that the look you want to be getting? Then don’t pack along anything that’s really pungent—overpowering foods that you might be used to but other people might not be. And hope to never smell again.
    Once their sense of smell returns . . . if it ever does.
    I mean, come on. Some of that grub smells so foul I expect to see the oxygen masks drop.
    Look, it’s not going to mess you up not to have the stinky fish for four or five hours, is it? Or an overabundance of garlic. Unless you plan on encountering a vampire in-flight, I’ll bet you can survive without the garlic.
    Your best solution is just to eat a little something before you get on the plane. But if you have a long flight and need a snack, what about bringing something like cut-up veggies—some carrots and celery—and maybe some hummus? They make a packaged hummus and pretzels that will keep your stomach from growling.
    Keep it simple. That way you get something in your tummy . . . Plus that way, you won’t have to see all those heads craning over the seat backs at you . . . trying to figure out who’s the jerk eating the roasted whole cod in garlic sauce.

Chapter 26
A Civil Person’s Handy List: Stinky Foods Not to Bring on a Plane
• Cabbage-based anything. Coleslaw, sauerkraut.
• Tuna fish salad, even in a sandwich.