Free Is It Just Me?: Or is it Nuts Out There? by Whoopi Goldberg Page B

just one glorious minute . . . God, what we would all give for just that one minute—but if you’re not traveling with someone else, you can’t.
    If you are the lucky seatmate, earplugs may dampen all the sound, but if that baby is trying to roll out of the seat and get away from the mother and do all kinds of baby stuff, earplugs don’t mean squat. So do you want to make this work? Then I’d take out the earplugs and the first thing I’d say is, “What can I do to help you?” . . . By the way, you do know I mean to say that to the parent, right? You can say it to the baby if you want, but don’t expect much of an answer.
    So-called “experienced parents” like to give advice to folks traveling for the first time on an airplane with a baby. Useless tips like “It’s important to remember that you’ll never see any of those people again.”
    That only works for about five minutes. Because for the five hours that you’re with them, they are boring a hole into your head. Your skull is about to give like a Gulf oil leak . . . because your baby is just performing. And in airplanes, what do they have? A built-in audience that can’t move. For hours. So just get everything together. Have the bottle someplace where you can keep it handy. Have the baby toys that you know you will need.
    Like I said, there’s no Parent Air, which is what I would start if I were going to start an airline. It’s a great idea and, if the right person is reading this book, we could start Parent Air.
    In the meantime, I wish that the airlines provided baby things to play with. They could, maybe, give out little mobiles and things like that. Or those special crayons for little kids. Yeah, that’ll happen. Sure it will. The same day they stop charging for bags and the pilots come around to give in-flight neck rubs. So, in the meantime, just be prepared that it’s all on you and that your focus for the next five hours is going to be on the baby.
    Oh, another thing . . . I know I may be piling on here, but this one is very important, OK?
    If you’re a parent of a child who is going to—perhaps—act up, don’t pretend you don’t see it. Or hear it. Or that you don’t know that it’s freaking people out. Acknowledge it. And, at least, give the folks around you the look that says, “I don’t know what to do.” But don’t act like it’s not happening. Because that pisses people off even more. Don’t ignore it. And just because you’re allowed to fly with your baby, doesn’t give you the right not to care that other people who may not have children are going to be on there too. And they may not dig it. In fact, they may be very uncomfortable with it. And a “deal with it” attitude from you doesn’t really go far in making friends or having people like your baby. So let them see that you’re actively trying to do everything that you can do. Who knows, you may even win over some folks and get some help you didn’t expect.
    It’s not an easy feat to take babies with you when you’re going somewhere, because they get crabby, they want stuff, and they want to be B-U-S-Y.
    That’s why it’s not a bad idea to start practicing with the kid before you travel. Sit for ten minutes just holding on to the baby so they get used to it. Otherwise, it’s a new experience all around, and they won’t like it. And will they ever let you know. So just start doing little things that you know you’re going to have to do on the plane. Figure out ways to make it work, because you will be surrounded by other people who are trying to get through their nightmare too.
    And, once again, a smile goes a very long way. It may not help, but it goes a very long way.

Chapter 28
A Civil Person’s Handy List: What to Bring for a Kid on a Plane
    If you are a parent experienced in flying with children, turn the page. But plenty of new moms and dads haven’t yet been exposed to the joys of travel with kids. For you, here are some tips on what to bring