Free End Game by Tabatha Wenzel Page B

and be kind of
okay with, but seriously for the last hour all he has been talking
about is the show Swamp People. He even wants to try and catch his
own alligator, or crocodile. I can’t tell the difference, and I
haven’t been paying enough attention to anything he is saying to
know if he explained it.
    I am even amazed at how much I sound like a
bitch in my own head. I am thinking that maybe I should back out of
my plan for the night. I am pretty sure all my mother did was use
my father so she could have a baby. I don’t even want to get into
how or why she wanted a kid. I’ll leave that discussion for my
therapist next week. I also know I have no intention of sleeping
with Jason. So, maybe I am okay. What if I tell him right away he
has absolutely no chance of getting laid like at all? That doesn’t
make me so bad. Okay, that is what I will do. All I have to do is
get him to shut up.
    “So, you wanna go back to my apartment?” I
asked Jason, and by the look on his face he was very excited by
this idea.
    “Yes, absolutely. Let’s go.” He started
standing up to leave.
    I grabbed his arm and started laughing. “I
think we need to pay first Jason.”
    “Oh yeah. I should probably do that.”
    Okay, for the first time, Jason was adorable,
and I was feeling like I wouldn’t really be using him for practice,
but maybe there is a chance that I could like him for real. I was
happy, and terrified, at the idea. Zane has been the only person I
ever liked. I mean, I have had crushes before, but more imaginary.
Boy bands, actors, or guys from my school that I never had one
conversation with.
    Jason was real and he liked me. He actually
liked me. Why does he like me? Okay, I need to knock it off. I am
not going to start questioning all of this…again. I have questioned
it, but I can’t keep doing this. It is even getting old for me. I
will worry about it later tonight, when I lay in my bed and go
through a mini panic attack trying to not write in my journal.
    Every night I have had one, because all I
wanted to do was write down all the things that could be signs of
being like her. Every night for the past three weeks I have been
able to control it. I have never felt proud of myself before that
first night I didn’t write in it. Even when I lost all my weight I
didn’t feel proud of myself. I was more filled with fear of gaining
it all back and how people would judge me if I did. I still deal
with that everyday. I will for the rest of my life.
    Jason got the bill handled. He grabbed my
hand and we walked out walking hand in hand. I have never held a
guys hand before. Zane and I have never held hands in public. It
was weird…super cool. I am such a dork.
    Jason and I thankfully don’t talk on the walk
back to my apartment. When we get into the apartment, I do a quick
scan and see that Rayanne isn’t home. I was seriously hoping she
was so I could abort this whole “make out with Jason plan” I
have.
    As I started walking towards the couch, Jason
grabbed me, and kid you not, pinned me against the wall. I was half
excited, a bit shocked, and honestly a little turned on. What the
hell is wrong with me? I let him kiss me and then I felt his hands
start to go under my shirt. Here is where I had issues with this.
No boy has ever put his hand there in a sexual way before. Zane has
touched my belly, but that was because of the burns and scars. In
addition, since I once was a bigger girl, my stomach looked as if a
tiger had mauled it.
    I pushed Jason’s hand away from my belly as
quickly as I could.
    “Jason, I don’t think I am ready for that
yet. I will, and want to, keep kissing you, but you need to know
right now that the chance of you getting any kind of action tonight
is like zero. I mean I even mean over the clothes stuff is not
going to happen tonight, or any night in the near or far future. I
want to wait until I am in love with someone before I do that.” I
whispered out the last part feeling kind of like a dork