Free Outtakes Of A Walking Mistake by Anthony Paull

day.”
    “Shh, go to bed.”
    “Babe, what’s wrong?”
    “Goodnight. I love you.” Great, Jenny loves me and I’m alone in bed making advances toward a stuffed animal. Look at me, I’m pathetic: a poster boy for why abstinence doesn’t work.
    Knock. Knock. Knock.
    Oh God, there’s somebody knocking at my window at 10:30 p.m.
    What now?Placing the phone down, I wonder why Billy can’t give me this sort of attention. At the window, I open the blinds to see who my mystery guest is. Oddly enough, it’s a boy. “Sup,” Eric says, waving at me. Blending into the night, he wears a camouflage tee and a matching hat.
    Now, I’m not lame enough to turn into a jellyroll just because I have a gentleman caller but I can barely contain my excitement. After all, I’m a sucker for a man in a uniform. Pin a uniform to a tree, and I’ll have splinters. “Hey there,” I say, lifting up my window.
    Outside, the humid night air warms my face and grasshoppers chirp like birds in the shadowy distance.
    “Hola sleepy head,” Eric says. “Get your ass dressed.”
    “I am dressed.”
    “Get dressed to go out.”
    Hold on. Is this the date I’ve been waiting for? Is this my chance for dinner plans? Has my knight in shining armor finally arrived, or is Eric just another toad trying to get laid along the way?
    “We’re going for a ride,” Eric says.
    Jingling a set of keys, the half-moon paints a milky-white glow along his forearm. His beautiful buzzed head is equally iridescent.
    “I’m sorry. I can’t,” I tell him.
    “Why not?”
    “I just can’t.”
    “Hot damn, stop being a bitch,” he barks. “Grab your balls and realize you’re a guy. You want to go. You know you do.”
    Of course I want to go. It’s not every night that a boy shows up at my window. But what kind of damsel in distress would I be without putting up a little fight? I’ve always wanted to be a tease. It’s magical, and I hear it makes guys nuts turn blue. “But my dad,” I plead. “He’ll kill me.”
    “He’ll never know. Now, hurry your pretty butt up and meet me out front. I’m not leaving without you.”
    Ooh, the dominant vibe. I get it.
    Now comes the hard part. What’s a boy to wear? My outfit needs to scream I won’t be slut tonight, but I might be one tomorrow. In my closet I scan my tees. Each shirt seems so common and boring. There’s nothing that will make me stand out. What’s a boy to do?
    Wait. What about my boy scout uniform? Sure, I haven’t worn the stupid thing in like five years, but nothing says loving like a brown button-up with a billion badges on it. God, I’ll be so sexy.
    Let’s see....
    There’s my purple camping badge.
    My yellow leadership badge.
    And tonight, I’ll earn my rainbow slut badge!
    “I’m so naughty,” I tell myself, buttoning my uniform. Then surveying the room, I notice the phone resting on my pillow. Jenny is going to castrate me for abandoning her, I think. Oh well, I’ll never tell. Still, I can’t leave her alone so I press Puddy’s ear to the receiver, figuring he can baby-sit her for the remainder of the night.
    Then I run a preventative checklist through my mind.
    Door locked. Check.
    Light out. Check.
    Stereo set on low volume. Check.
    My bases are covered, and speaking of bases, I wonder which one I’ll reach with Eric tonight?

Scene 9
    Here I am being ever so bad. I’m crawling along my soggy front lawn, careful not to make a sound, careful not to alert dad, and my right hand lands on a patch of sand spurs. “Ouch,” I yell.
    “Dude, you ok?” Eric asks, snug in his mom’s green, vintage Mustang.
    No, I’m not ok! My knees are soaked. I’m prying thorns off my palm, and suddenly the neighborhood dogs are on high alert. Barking in the distance, they come across like four-legged tattle-tales beckoning dad to the scene of the crime. I swear, with all of the commotion I might as well shoot a rocket ship out of my ass to alert everyone about my secret rendezvous.