Free Killer Blonde by Laura Levine Page B

daughter turns out just like you.”
    Then I kissed her on her forehead.
    “It’s late. I’d better be going.”
    I started for the door when she called to me.
    “Jaine.”
    “Yes?”
    “I don’t really wish SueEllen was dead.”
    “I know you don’t.”
    “I just wish she was fat and broke and living in Tijuana.”
    Yep, Heidi was my kind of daughter, all right.
     

    Downstairs, the party was breaking up. People were suddenly remembering babysitters they had to pay and early morning appointments they had to get up for. Anything to make their escape.
    SueEllen was busy air-kissing them all goodbye, promising to “do lunch,” floating from one to the other as if her party hadn’t just imploded into a million pieces.
    I hurried out the door, hoping to beat the valet rush. But I was too late. An anxious knot of guests were already standing around waiting for their cars.
    I nabbed a valet and said, “Just give me my keys. I can get my car myself. White Corolla.”
    I slipped him two bucks, and he tossed me my keys.
    “It’s that way,” he said, pointing vaguely down the street.
    I found my car five blocks away, among a string of economy cars, obviously in the “hired hands” parking section.
    Driving home that night, I made up my mind to quit my job. I didn’t care how much SueEllen was paying me. She was a dreadful woman and my tush and I simply didn’t want to work for her anymore. I’d hand in my resignation tomorrow.
    When I got back to the apartment, I broke the news to Prozac.
    “It looks like we’re not going to be rich, after all, lovebug.”
    Prozac was so upset, she almost looked up from her genitals.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL!
    To: Jausten
    From: DaddyO
    Subject: Brace Yourself!
     
    Brace yourself for a shock, pumpkin. My toupee is missing. And I know who took it. Your mother. She claims she has no idea where it is, but I wasn’t born yesterday. It didn’t just get up and walk out of the house, did it?
     
    I’ve looked high and low, but it’s not here. I guess your mother couldn’t stand the fact that other women found me so attractive in it.
     
    I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive her for this act of treachery.
     
    Daddy
     
    To: Jausten
    From: Shoptillyoudrop
    Subject: Heavenly Day!
     
    Oh, heavenly day! I got rid of the wig! It was so simple, really. I just waited till Daddy was asleep and I brought it out to the garbage. I buried it beneath Taffy’s cat food cans. He’ll never think to look for it there.
     
    Now I can enjoy myself at cousin Cindy’s wedding! If only I could remember who Charleton McAfee is. Maybe Earlene’s first husband? But I could’ve sworn his name was Lester. Besides, I thought Lester had run out on poor Earlene years ago. The way I heard it, he went to buy a box of Milk Duds at the movies, and was never seen again. Oh, well. I guess I’ll just have to wait till the wedding to find out who Mr. McAfee is.
    By the way, honey, I bought the most adorable polyester charmeuse pants suit from the shopping channel. It’s a genuine Georgie O. Armani. Who says the shopping channel doesn’t have famous designers?
     
    Well, we’re off to play Bingo at the clubhouse.
     
    All my love to you and Prilosec,
    Mom
     
    To: Jausten
    From: DaddyO
    Subject: Not my fault!
     
    I just want to go on record: What happened at the clubhouse was NOT my fault!
     
    To: Jausten
    From: Shoptillyoudrop
    Subject: You won’t believe what just happened!
     
    Oh, dear. You won’t believe what just happened at the clubhouse. Daddy saw a man at the bingo table with a thick head of hair. And for some insane reason, Daddy was convinced it was his toupee.
     
    And right there in the middle of Bingo, he got up and accused this perfectly lovely man of stealing his toupee! And if that wasn’t bad enough, he tried to grab it from his head. Of course, the man wasn’t wearing a toupee, and Daddy wound up yanking out a clump of this poor man’s hair. It was very painful, I’m