Free Love in a Headscarf by Shelina Janmohamed Page B

intently to conversations about how to make a marriage successful. The discussions about love and marriage involved the whole community, including youngsters like me. The desire to make marriage and family a success was drummed into us from an early age, and we were given the guidance and tools to do so. Even at madrasah we were taught how to select a future spouse. What kind of qualities should we look for? How should we nurture a loving relationship? How should we make it last long-term? We might have been very young, but the lessons were designed to grow into our hearts and into the essence of our beings.
    There was one thing that bothered me. All the advice and preparation seemed entirely aimed at the young women. It seemed unfair and unintelligent that the young men were not prepared in the same way. Didn’t they also need to be ready for a relationship?
    The Qur’an told me that men and women are a pair, designed to complete each other, equal and balanced. But the Aunties, who represented the conventions of culture, were quite clear in their views that the success of any marriage was in the hands of the woman. I was uneasy with this burden, as it clashed with my sense of fairness and my understanding of Islam.
    On the other hand, my local Imam was constantly expressing his sadness and frustration at the over-inflated expectations of “young people.” He thought people should learn to be more content and understand the bigger picture, and that it wasn’t possible to feel constantly in the throes of romantic passion. He felt that people gave up too easily. “Couples on the verge of divorce come to me and they say, ‘ Mulla , I don’t care for him anymore.’” He would sigh the sigh of a man who has seen the world. “You can’t give up because you don’t care. You are married to him. You don’t come in and out of caring,” he would say. He was usually very laid back but you could see that this sort of youthful flippancy made him cross.
    As a teenager I was given a book called Marriage and Morals in Islam to provide additional background reading as preparation for getting married. Producing printed material about marriage was an industry in itself, and like many other similar Islamic books, it covered the essentials of finding a partner, how to go about getting married, how to (cough, cough) have intimate relations, and then how to be happily married. Its goal was to set young people’s expectations of what having a relationship means and how to build a strong and lasting one. All of this was based on verses from the Qur’an and Islamic traditions. While my friends read teen magazines about how to kiss wearing braces, I read about making sure I was dressed prettily and sprayed with perfume to spend time with my husband in the evenings, and how he should always be sure to compliment me on how beautiful and kind I was. We came to womanhood from different perspectives. They learned how to say no if they didn’t feel comfortable, I learned how to be happy to say yes in the right circumstances.
    I read and reread several of these books, alongside the graphic tabloid teen magazines until the two merged into one.
    “WHY MARRIAGE IS THE NEW BLACK”
    Having a husband/wife * is a natural state of affairs. Human beings are not designed for loneliness or celibacy.
    Marriage is a long-term commitment, and love and strength grows over time.
    “Men and women are garments for each other,” says the Qur’an. Marriage is good for the goose and the gander.
    S-E-X is a good thing, nothing to be shy or embarrassed about. It is a blessing and keeps a marriage strong. But it’s got to be kept inside marriage.
    And once the books had laid these foundations, they moved swiftly onto:
    “HOW YOU KNOW HE’S THE ONE”
    Personality, quality of character, and faith in God are key. That way you know they will always treat you right.
    The choice is yours. No one can force you to marry anyone, and if there is no valid reason to