Free Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman

problems.152 Our brilliant bodies make all the essential fatty acids we need, except for two: linoleic and linolenic acids, also known as omega-3 and omega-6.153 These good fats are found in olive oil, sesame oil, canola oil, flaxseed oil, hempseed oil, evening primrose oil, raw nuts and seeds, and avocados. So quit listening to all the stupid bitches who boycott nuts, oils, and avocados because they think they’re fattening. Even though they’re high in fat, they will not make you fat (unless you totally overdose on them).
    Unsaturated fats such as these are good for your body, and when eaten as part of a well-balanced vegan diet, they don’t make you fat!
    It’s the saturated fats, found in meat, dairy, and hydrogenated oils that make you fat. Think about the source of the oils or fats and use your head. Do you think an avocado, which is a fruit, is going to turn you into a hippo? Common sense, bitches.

Chapter 8
    Pooping
    Pinch a loaf. Lay cable. Drop the kids off at the pool.
    Let’s face it; there is no greater pleasure than taking a big, steamy dump. But shitting isn’t just for kicks. It is a vital tool for weight loss and optimal health. Basic math, girls. How much are you putting in your mouth, and how much is coming out your ass? Now that you’ve learned the right foods to eat and which ones to avoid, you should be a dynamo in the bathroom. But if your hiney is only expelling little rabbit turds, something’s gotta give.
    Earlier, we mentioned that drinking lots of water helps rid your body of waste. We can’t emphasize the importance of this enough.
    Drink, drink, drink. But if you want to take tyrannosaurus-sized dumps, it’s also imperative to eat foods rich in fiber, like whole grain cereals and breads, brown rice, corn, barley, rye, buckwheat, millet, oats, fruits, vegetables (especially root vegetables, like carrots), beans, and seeds. Avoid foods that have little or no fiber, like meat, eggs, cheese, milk, and processed, refined foods. These can clog up your ass. (It is a myth that bananas are binding. Eat ’em.) Fiber isn’t just for shits and giggles, either. It offers protection from appendicitis, Candida, heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, gallstones, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), and colitis.154 Fibrous foods also help normalize our blood-sugar levels, satiate food cravings, and make us feel fuller so that we don’t overeat.155 Fiber even fights colon and colorectal cancer, prostate cancer, and breast cancer: If we don’t make ca-ca quickly enough, our putrefying food stays in our bodies, increasing the likelihood of the production of carcinogenic substances. So eat your fiber, and crap like a champ. 156
    Another way to get your bowels brewing is to pay special attention to the order in which you are eating foods. For example, foods that digest quickly and easily should be eaten by themselves and early in the day. Fruit for breakfast. Salad and/or vegetables for lunch. These foods will pass through your body at lightning speeds.
    Dinner should be your “heaviest” meal. Follow these simple rules and you’ll be depositing six-inchers in no time. If you’re already a quality dumper, feel free to disregard this paragraph.
    But, if you still need an extra kick in the ass, up your bean intake. Beware: you might have a mudslide in your pants if you’re not careful. If you’re not accustomed to beans, ease in slowly and be sure you are near a toilet.
    If your deuce-dropping still needs work, do not take laxatives.
    Yes, they make you poop, but they don’t solve the underlying problem of why you’re not pooping in the first place. Most laxatives are gastro-intestinal irritants—even the natural ones.157 Stop looking for a quick fix. Just continue to drink a lot of water, exercise, and eat right, shitheads.

Chapter 9
    Have No Faith:
    Governmental Agencies
    Don’t Give a Shit
    About Your Health
    The USDA: It’s Not What You Think
    President Abraham Lincoln