Free Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls by Tellulah Darling

it to him. The guy’s still got it.
    Of course thinking about Dad and Alexa makes me think once more about Ally in that top and, abracadabra, I’m hard again.
    I sigh and go take that cold shower.
    An hour later, Ian is over and we’re attempting to make dinner with whatever we find in the kitchen.
    I’m filling Ian in on what happened with Ally, which is complicated by the fact that he’s being a pussy and keeping his hands over his ears.
    “Like a sister, mate,” Ian says. “Don’t want to hear this.”
    I hand him a chopping knife, forcing him to lower his hands. “How do you think I feel? I’m not supposed to get hard over her. It’s Ally. My best friend since forever. She’s not even a girl to me.”
    “Apparently she is,” Ian shoots back, slicing cheese for the grilling of bread.
    I get the mustard out of the fridge. “I feel like the creepy relative. There I was with one of the most raging—”
    “Hey, Uncle Bad Touch. Shut it, already. Don’t want to know.”
    “Over and over again,” I groan. “Is this gonna happen every time I help her score guys? I’m gonna get turned on myself? I can’t go there.”
    Ian shrugs. “Tell her she’s on her own.”
    I throw some butter in a heated pan and watch it sizzle, thoughtful. “She’s not ready to be on her own. All of this remains theoretical.”
    “Except the hot part,” Ian adds unhelpfully.
    “Yeah. Thanks.” I stick the sandwiches in the pan. “Except that. Alright. Here’s the plan. She’ll get her first success and then I don’t have to be around that part of her. She can go back to being regular Ally for me.”
    “She better. I have a knife and I’m not afraid to let Rachel use it,” Ian says, pointing it toward my groin.
    “If she doesn’t, I’ll use the damn thing on myself.”
    Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled Ally cleaned up so well. But my entire life, I’ve sorted girls into two different categories: chicks I wanted to hook up with (the urges started young) and females that were just friends or teachers or people’s moms or whatever.
    And it has nothing to do with looks. I’ve slept with girls who wouldn’t be considered conventionally pretty but who had a spark. Maybe they had a great laugh or sexy walk, but whatever it was, there was an instant attraction.
    Then there was Ally. More than just a friend. The friend. I couldn’t remember her not being in my life and I couldn’t see my life without her. She just is. A category all on her own.
    So suddenly seeing her as not just female but spark-worthy is head tripping me big time. I don’t want to sleep with her, because first and foremost she is still Ally, but my brain is identifying her as a female I should want to sleep with.
    You can see how it can mess with a guy’s mind.
    It’s like realizing your parents have sex. You love them as your parents but you sure as hell don’t need to think of them getting it on. Certain categories are supposed to be set in stone.
    “Sam!” Ian’s sharp call brings me back in time to save our sandwiches from burning.
    The kitten, who I kept because I couldn’t risk her being put down if I took her to an animal shelter, jumps on the counter.
    “There really was a cat,” Ian muses.
    I snap my fingers. “Attila, down.”
    Instead, she licks a corner of one sandwich.
    “That’s yours,” Ian says, grossed out.
    “You think?” I reply, setting the plate on the floor.
    “Are cats supposed to eat that?” he asks.
    I shrug. “No idea. This is new territory for me.” I look at Attila, happily nibbling away at the grilled cheese, and pull out two slices of bread for my new sandwich. “As long as everyone’s happy, I can’t see the problem.”
    After dinner, I ask Ian if he wants to go out. There’s always some kind of party happening in a rented club or warehouse.
    But he’d rather be with Rachel, so I call Ally up and tell her to get dressed. No time like the present to kick that little bird out of the nest and