Free Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships by Judy Ford Page A

but we have a tendency to blame the other when we're angry rather than looking within ourselves or at the problem. If something is not happening as we'd like, it is easier to blame the other than to take responsibility for getting what we need.
    Remember, you're always responsible. If he is 75 percent to blame, that leaves 25 percent for you, and that's the part that you must deal with. If you don't like what's going on between the two of you, change yourself. Drop those qualities or actions that create trouble in your relationship. Make love a self-transformation, and your life will be enriched.
    We can't expect our partner to do it all or be it all for us. We have to look deeply within ourselves to find what needs to be changed. Instead of making the other person wrong, communicate about what is causing your pain. That's more productive.
    Is all this blaming really worth it? In the blame game, both players are losers. You'll be much happier if you pin the blame on the donkey. The blame game stops when one person says, “I see what you mean,” or “I never looked at it that way,” or “You might be right.” The blame gamestops when one person says, “Honey, lets pin the blame on the donkey instead of each other.”
    I know a husband and wife who filed for bankruptcy, lost their house, their cars, and their business. Instead of blaming each other, they threw a pity party. The invitations read, “It's our party and we'll cry if we want to.”

Create a Safety Zone
    The ties that join a loving couple are far stronger that the forces that divide them. Loving couples create a safety zone where anger can be expressed without either getting hurt. Their relationship is not threat-ened by disagreements. They're aware of each other's strengths, they value what each brings to the union; consequently they won't let anger fly out of control. They take care of each other even when they're fighting. “Let's not go there,” Sean reminds his wife, and together they make a turn from the dead-end direction they're heading.
    Couples who manage anger well function under these principals:
Physical violence is not allowed. Loving couples have an irrevocable rule against physical violence. They may get into shouting matches, but they would never hit each other, throw things, or destroy each other's property. There's a mutual respect for each other's point of view, and even when they're in the heat of an argument, there are places they won't visit. They don't insult each other's mothers or call each other names.
Our goal is what's best for us. Loving couples know that the goal of arguing is to clarify what is happening. If one person is angry, the other partner wants to find out what is going on rather than winning. They know that proving yourself right tears you further apart; trying to understand what life is like from your sweetie's point of view solidifies your union. Happy couples work to find a solution that is good for both.
Assume positive intention. Happy couples use anger as a signal that they need to sort through the muddle and find clarity. When one of you is angry, you both feel bad. A positive intention is to resolve it so that you can both feel better. When your partner is mad about something, don't assume that you know what it's about. Making assumptions before you've heard each other out is deadly to a happy resolution. When your partner is angry, instead of assuming the worst, come to each other in a spirit of cooperation. This gives you a far better chance of a positive outcome: “What's best for us.”
Our differences are our gain. When you finally admit to yourself and to each other that you have differences, you'll feel anxious,uneasy about your relationship and wondering if it's going to work out. When you're angry that your spouse wants to sleep with the window open while you prefer it closed, know that the negotiation that goes on between you is what having a relationship is all about. There's nothing wrong with