Free Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships by Judy Ford

or a congenial marriage. There is a Chinese proverb that says, “If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” All couples have arguments. The trick is to be patient during the argument. Patience in the middle of an argument is the passkey to understanding what the trouble is about. When you're patient, you can treat each other gently while figuring it out. And often you don't need to figure it out at all, because being patient with each other was the only remedy needed. All arguments can end kindly with the words, “Yes, dear,” or “I see what you mean.”
    A satisfying relationship is not accidental; it happens with plenty of listening, laughter, quarreling, and making up.

Recognize the Value of Anger
    The ways of love and anger are very unpredictable. Sometimes people yearn for love without finding it, and sometimes they simply fall into love without even looking for it. But regardless of whether they've yearned for it, planned for it, or just fallen into it, lovers know that love feels wonderful. Everything is so delightful, and you feel so exhilarated that you can't imagine things will ever be different. And yet things are different, or become different, very quickly!
    Lovers do get angry with each other and start fighting—sometimes very soon after they first get together. Getting mad at each other and quarreling is just about inevitable. It goes with the turf.
    I once asked a well-married friend of mine whether he had fought with his wives. “Yes,” he replied, “I did, but not nearly as much as I should have.” He reminded me of an important finding: that the way a couple deals with anger and conflict is an important factor in determining the success of a relationship.
    You can deal with conflict by shoving it under the rug, by pretending it doesn't exist. You can deal with anger by overpowering the other person— whether you do it with a club or by sweet-talking them into oblivion.
    I know people who don't even hear remarks they don't want to hear. They're convinced that anything that may possibly lead to friction must be tuned out. They insist on nothing but sweet talk. They're right to a point: All the sweet-talking lovey-dovey stuff is great—but unfortunately, it doesn't last forever. Anger and conflicts need to be dealt with. If you don't deal with them, they gather momentum until one day nothing can stop them, and they then thunder down upon you like an avalanche.
    Anger is a signal that something between you needs to be dealt with. Paying attention to what's troubling your partner is good for your relationship.

Pin the Blame on the Donkey
    There are all kinds of fights and plenty of things to get mad about. Money, sex, raising kids, religion, politics, where to live, in-laws, vacationing, drinking, eating, health—it's just infinite what people argue about. All these quarrels express themselves in different ways—hot anger, cold withdrawal, rivers of tears, and violence. At the bottom there is one thing that characterizes all quarrels. And that's The Blame Game.
    The blame game is also known as fault-finding, nit-picking, making the other wrong, criticizing, complaining, bitching, whining, and seeing the mote in the other's eye. We play the blame game for many reasons. No one likes to admit being wrong. We say, “No I didn't,” or “It's not my fault,” or “That's not true,” or “Well, look what you did.” Blame is like a hot potato—we toss it back and forth. She says, “You spend too much.” He says, “You're too tight.” She blames him or the circumstances; he tosses it back.
    You can make a case against anyone, and that includes your beloved partner. In love relationships the tendency is to blame the other person for our feelings: “You made me angry.” Then we replace that with: “I feel angry when you do such and such,” which is still pointing the finger at the other person. Anger arises to help us get to the root of the matter,