Free Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships by Judy Ford Page B

feeling frustrated that he doesn't do it your way, but avoid the trap of thinking that the reason your life is so difficult is because of him. Instead of saying, “We can't get along,” say out loud, “We're having a difficult moment,” and then add, “Let's figure out how to create something superior out of this.” Instead of trying to erase differences, a loving couple finds ways to incorporate elements of both.
    Loving couples disagree and get angry, but they follow principles when fighting so that they don't destroy each other in the process. They strive to resolve their arguments so that they both feel better.

Intend to Stay Connected
    It's crucial for couples to disagree without disconnecting. A commitment to each other means an alliance, a standing together to face whatever comes—including loving, quarreling, and making up. It's not outside forces that threaten to divide you; the biggest danger to your union comes from within.
    Trigger-happy, dart-throwing, firecracker types, Jack and Leigh came to counseling ready to fight. If Jack loses money playing poker, Leigh claims her right to spend an equal amount of money on clothes. When she (against his wishes) invites her family to visit for a few days, he (against her wishes) flies to Las Vegas. Regardless of what happens, they insist on their individual rights first and foremost. They get mad when they don't get their own ways.
    It's productive to get angry, disagree, debate, and fight it out, as long as your intention is to understand one another better. You will have differences of opinion. You'll have ample frustrations. You'll get mad and quarrel, but those tussles don't have to tear your relationship apart. Remember, it's love that all of us are seeking.
    Instead of fighting for your own way, fight for the kernel of insight, look for the clue that brings you closer, make your intention the search for mutual understanding. Seek to find out all that you can about what makes yourself and your sweetheart tick. You can fight the same old fight over and over again—as most of us do—and remain optimistic. By agreeing in advance that you will hang in there even though you risk being exposed, you establish positive intention.
    When Todd and Alice designed their new home, it was an artistic undertaking of combining his preference for an austere rambler with her desire for a cozy two-story cottage. He wanted sleek gray slate for the entry; she wanted whitewashed stone. He likes black leather straight-lined furniture; she wants white brocade slipcovers. “We had plenty of heated disagreements, but we've ended up with a home that incorporates both,” said Alice. “We combined our preferences for black and white and came up with a gray theme. We combined smooth surfaces with texture; we incorporated elements of each taste and found a balance. This brought a harmony that wouldn't have been there without each other's contributions.” You expand your horizons by combining the best of your distinct preferences.
    Regardless of how angry you are, chances are you'll stay connected by remembering:
Don't say everything you're thinking or feeling, because if you do you're likely to cause another fight.
Say something positive about the situation: “I'm glad that we're in the process of figuring this out.”
Always apologize when you're out of line: “Honey, I'm sorry, I goofed.”
Stay hopeful and restate often your intention to stay connected.
    Instead of fighting for your own way, fight for the kernel of truth that brings you closer.

Use the Practical Approach
    When your upset involves your partner, give him a clear picture of what is going on. Tell him—as soon as you figure it out—what you're thinking and feeling. When your sweetheart doesn't know what you're thinking or feeling, you're both in the dark. Not sharing an opinion, an idea, or feeling that's intense and important to you automatically creates a distance between you.
    It takes courage to good-naturedly