Free Now in Paperback! by Jim Mullen

light is on again. So I unlatched the hood and took a look. Sure enough, it was still there. It looked good, too. Right where it’s supposed to be. In the middle. Lots of hoses and wires and belts all over the place. They were a little dirty, but hey, I live on a dirty street. You have to expect a little dirt might get under the hood. That was enough checking for me. I slammed down the hood but still, the light wouldn’t go out. Where’s the “OK, I checked it” button?
    Of course, there is no such thing; that would be too easy. I’ve fallen into the “Check Engine” scam and there’s no escaping it.
    “What could cause the ‘Check Engine’ light to go on?” I asked Roger, my mechanic.
    “Oh, lots of things—my Junior starting college, Betsy buying new living room furniture, that vacation we want to take to Orlando, my daughter deciding to marry that bonehead she’s been seeing—it all depends. You’d have to bring it in.”
    “Is it OK for me to keep driving it?”
    “Sure, I don’t need the money that fast.”
    “I meant would it be safe for me to drive it or do I need to have you look at it right away?”
    “I never thought of it that way. Let me think. I’m sure it’s safe. What’s the worst that could possibly happen? Your car suddenly stops dead on the Interstate while an eighteen-wheeler full of steel girders going sixty-five is tailgating you? Don’t be such a worry wart, you wouldn’t even feel it. By the way, have you filled out that donor card on the back of your license? Not that there’d be many good parts left, but what’s left of your skin could still be used to help many, many people. Don’t be selfish.”
    “Thanks for the concern, but what could make the light go on?”
    “A thousand things, from something as simple as a loose gas cap to a leaky head gasket. I’m guessing leaky head gasket because we just bought a condo in Boca, but I hate to get into the hypothetical. It could mean so many things: it could mean that your car is no longer under warranty, it could mean you’re late for an oil change, it could mean that you should bring it back to the dealer so he can show you all the new stuff in his showroom that will make that piece of junk you’re driving now look like a Third World jitney, it could mean that the ‘Check Engine’ light needs to be replaced.”
    “So you’re saying it’s just a big scam.”
    “Not at all. It’s probably that catalytic thingamajig that reduces emissions. I’m pretty sure you can’t pass inspection if that’s not working.”
    “But you’re the inspector.”
    “Yeah, it’s funny how that works. It’s almost like I could make up anything I wanted to make that light go off.”
    “There’s no way I can check it myself?”
    “Please. This takes sophisticated equipment and years of training.”
    “A kid at the auto parts store told me he could do it for twenty bucks.”
    “Did I say years of training? I meant fifteen minutes. But he can’t fix it.”
    “Roger, I’m trying to figure out how much this is going to cost me.”
    “What can I tell you? It could run anywhere from a day at the spa for Betsy to a new ATV for our summer place. Somewhere in that range. But don’t worry, I won’t do any work unless you approve it.”
    “Maybe it’d be cheaper to buy a new car than to keep throwing money at this one. Eight hundred here, six hundred there, it’s starting to add up. Haven’t you replaced everything on this car at least once?”
    “You’ve still got the original back seat. And the ashtray and cup holders work fine. Are you sure you want to take such a drastic step? Keep it another year. Junior’s been begging me for that Guitar Hero game.”

Waiting for Dr. Godot
    I t’s nice that Dr. Godot has a whole room just for waitng. It’s so convenient. But it makes you wonder. If he called it the “Wasting Your Valuable Time Room” would his patients sit there so willingly? Calling it a waiting room makes it sound as