Free Daughter of Jerusalem by Joan Wolf

could you have expected me to come? You were married. There was nothing I could gain by seeing you other than tearing my heart apart even more.” He shook his head, as if in despair. “Did you think I could bear seeing you as the wife of another man?”
    Tears began to slide down my cheeks.
    His voice sounded choked. “Don’t, Mary. You never cry. Remember?”
    “I cry all the time now. I cry every time I think of you.”
    He took a step toward me, and suddenly we were in each other’s arms. I clung to him, breathing in his scent, pressing my cheek into his shoulder so hard the wool was leaving creases on my skin.
    He held me so tightly that it hurt, and I reveled in it.
Daniel
, I thought.
Daniel, my dearest love
.
    When I felt his grip loosen, I forced myself to let him go. I looked up, waiting for him to tell me he didn’t care about the opinion of the world, that he’d take me away from Aaron and we would be together again.
    He said hoarsely, “I’ve come to see you because I wanted you to know that I’m leaving Jerusalem and my studies. I’m going to join the Essenes.”
    I stared at him, not taking in what he had said.
    “I’m going to Qumran. The Essenes have a great library there, and they’re anxious to get me. I don’t think I’ll ever come back.”
    I heard the sharp intake of my breath. “The
Essenes?
You’re leaving me to live like a beggar in the desert?”
    His voice was patient, the way it had always sounded when he was explaining a passage of scripture to me. “The Essenes are not beggars. They’re a group of holy men who pledge themselves to celibacy and a disciplined life of prayer. They choose to live in the desert because it’s far from Jerusalem. They can live and pray in the desert unmolested by the corruption of the Temple and all it stands for.”
    I stared at him, speechless.
    He began to pace up and down in front of the painted lilies. “Our people are in desperate need, Mary. A godless Empire occupies our country, and our own religious leaders have been corrupted by money. Animal sacrifice, and the money it brings in, is the business of the Temple these days, not prayer. I found that out during the year I spent in Jerusalem. We need to be saved from ourselves as well as from the Romans. We need the Messiah to come
now
, Mary, and that is what the Essenes pray for. They pray for the coming of the Messiah. That’s why I wish to join them. The Messiah is our only hope of salvation.”
    If he joined the Essenes he would truly be lost to me forever. Even if my husband should die, Daniel would have sworn himself to celibacy.
    “Don’t do this,” I pleaded. “Don’t leave me, Daniel. Please don’t leave me.”
    His red-brown eyes were somber. “I’ve prayed over this, Mary. I’m going to the Essenes to purify myself, so that I can pray for you as well as for the Messiah. God will surely listen to a prayer when it comes from a heart made pure by sacrifice.”
    I cared nothing for his purity of heart, but I knew, just by looking at him, that his mind was made up and that nothing I could say would change it.
    A blessed numbness descended on my brain. I managed to choke out, “Then God bless you, Daniel.”
    He lifted his hand and touched my cheek. “God bless you, my most dearly beloved. I will pray for you as long as I live.”
    I stood perfectly still in the middle of the room, listening to the sound his sandals made on the floor as he left.

    When I felt able to move, I told the servants I was ill and slipped away to my room. One of the blessings of living in such a large house was that I had a bedroom to myself, and I crawled into the big, soft Roman bedstead and lay like a wounded animal seeking solitude to heal or to die.
    I stayed in bed for a week. I vomited a few times, and I knew that Aaron hoped my sickness was because I was with child. I also knew that wasn’t the case. I would never have a child with Aaron. My flesh and soul cringed away from him whenever he