Free Repeat It Today With Tears by Anne Peile Page B

adhere.
    When the market closed Julian’s harassed father, Peter,arrived to drive him down to Surrey. In Oakley Street some women were unloading armfuls of flowers from the back of a car to decorate the church of Our Most Holy Redeemer and St Thomas More for Easter Day. One had a basket filled with yellow narcissus and blue hyacinth. The fragrance was so strong that it stayed suspended on the air for some time after she had gone.
    On Easter Sunday morning Ron went out early to deliver chocolate eggs to his children.
    ‘There’s one for you there, if you want it,’ my mother said. In her mauve quilted dressing gown she had appeared to collect a tea tray and the
Sunday Express
to take back to bed. ‘We’re driving out somewhere later, Box Hill, probably. Ron might pick up his dogs, to give them a proper run, seeing as she never takes them out for a walk. You don’t want to come, do you?’
    ‘No, thank you.’
    ‘I don’t know when we’ll be back, we shan’t rush.’
    ‘I might stay at Alison’s.’ I had never mentioned the family’s remove to the estate on the old Croydon airfield.
    ‘Please yourself. I doubt that Lin will be home, she’ll probably help out down at the pub, now that she’s up and about again.’
    My sister had spent some days in bed, following the termination of her pregnancy. She and my mother seemed to discount the matter. Because I found it upsetting I put away contemplation of it in a section of my mind that I could shut off. When they discussed the operation I used only part of my conscious awareness, in the same way as you can prevent yourself from breathing in a bad smell.
    I supposed that my sister’s requirement for an abortion had made it easier for me to obtain the contraceptive pill from the elderly GP. Without question he had scrawled me an introduction to the family planning clinic on a slip of yellow paper. Lin’s introduction to the women’s surgical he had scrawled on a slipof green paper. It was all the same hospital, opposite the tube station at Clapham South.
    When the flat was empty I spent a long time making myself ready for my father. I knew that I looked very beautiful, apart from my fingernails. I was never adept at painting the nails of my right hand. I smudged them and went over the edges. I searched for remover among Lin’s things but found none. I looked at my hands critically as I walked towards the bus stop. There were families coming home from the Common. Little girls with white cardigans buttoned over their dresses. The afternoon was grey and it looked as if it would rain.
    In Oakley Street Jack’s car was already back, like a huge shell beside the kerb. The rain had begun, soft and fine. When he opened the door and I first met his eyes on the threshold I was filled with awe at what I had done and at what I was about to do. We sat down opposite each other, me on the bed, and him on the armchair.
    ‘I don’t know, Susie, what are we going to do with you?’ He watched my face while I did not answer. ‘The thing is… I’m trying to be fair, to both of us. I’m not sure that you know what you want.’
    ‘I do.’
    ‘Do you, I wonder. By the way, I don’t know whether the blouse… and… and everything is especially for my benefit, but if it is, I have noticed, and it’s… it’s very lovely.’
    ‘I have the thing,’ I said. Beside me was my handbag, a flat satchel of turquoise suede with mushroom shapes appliquéd to it. I took out the box of contraceptive pills and held it up to show him, ‘It means…’
    ‘I know what it means.’ He stayed still, staring at me. I wasglad of the beautiful silk shirt, I knew that it would hold up well under his scrutiny. Suddenly he caught sight of my fingernails and leant forward to take up one of my hands. ‘What have you been doing?’ The excuse for action seemed quite to restore him.
    ‘Show me – look at it, Susie – it’s a mess.’ He shook his head in indulgent despair.
    ‘I know it’s a