Free The Toyminator by Robert Rankin

succeed.”
    “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
    “Or you’ll feed the boiler.”
    “Ah,” said Eddie.
    “Ah indeed,” said Bellis.
    “Hm,” went Eddie. “Well, we’ll certainly do our very, very best to succeed. You can be assured of that.”
    “Nice,” said Bellis.
    “But the trouble is,” said Eddie, “that the only clue we had was the cigar butt. And that just led to a case of mistaken identity. So I have no idea what to do next.”
    “I’m sure you’ll think of something,” said Bellis.
    “I’m not
too
sure,” said Eddie.
    “Brrrr,” said Bellis. “Is it cold in here, or is it just me?”
    “Ah,” said Eddie.
    “Ah indeed,” said Chief Inspector Bellis.

5
    “That Bellis is a monster,” said Eddie. “I’m fuel for his boiler for certain.”
    “Look on the bright side, Eddie,” said Jack. “At least we have our freedom.”
    They’d had to walk all the way from the police station to the cigar shop to pick up Bill’s car, but now they were back in Tinto’s Bar and Tinto was pouring them a number of beers.
    “I’m doomed,” said Eddie.
    “You’re not,” said Jack. “He wants the case solved. And he knows that if anyone can solve it, then you are that someone.”
    “Thanks for that,” said Eddie.
    “Well, you can,” said Jack.
    “Not for that,” said Eddie. “For calling me someone rather than
something
.”
    “I’d never call you
something
,” said Jack. “You’re Eddie. You’re my bestest friend.”
    “So we’re definitely back in business together? You haven’t let this first day out put you off? You’re not going to quit on me?”
    “As if I would. But it is a mystery, isn’t it? Twelve monkeys dead, seemingly within minutes. And the cigar butts. And the cigar man thinking you’d bought the cigars from him. What do you make of it all?”
    “Dunno,” said Eddie. “Something very odd happened last night. I thought I saw something in the alleyway where I was dossing down in a dustbin, but the timing is all wrong. I do have to say, Jack, that I have no idea at all what is going on. But whatever it is, I don’t like it very much.”
    “How are those beers coming, Tinto?” Jack asked.
    “Slowly,” said the clockwork barman. “Could you see your way clear to giving my key a couple of turns – I think I’m running down here.”
    Jack leaned across the bar and did the business with Tinto’s key.
    “Thank you,” said Tinto.
    “You’re welcome,” said Jack.
    “Let’s drink the beers,” said Eddie. “It has been a long and trying day.”
    “Ah, yes,” said Jack. “And it’s definitely evening now.”
    “So we should drink beers and get drunk. That is my considered opinion.”
    “And the case?”
    “I don’t know,” said Eddie, taking up a beer between his paws and moving it towards that portion of his face where many beers had gone before. And, “Ah,” said Eddie, when he had done with his beer. “That does hit the spot.”
    “You drink too much,” said Jack.
    “Too much for
what
?” said Eddie.
    Jack shrugged and said, “I dunno.”
    “Then don’t presume to,” said Eddie. “Just drink.”
    “You don’t think that you should be applying yourself to the case in hand?”
    “Not right now,” said Eddie. “And nor should you. I seem to recall that you were supposed to be meeting up with a certain dolly from Nadine’s Diner tonight.”
    “Oh dear,” said Jack. “I’d quite forgotten about her.”
    “Bad boy,” said Eddie. “Very bad boy.”
    Jack perused his wristlet watch. The time was eight of the evening clock. Jack held the watch against his ear: it was ticking away like a good’n and he had no cause to doubt its accuracy. Mind you, Jack had taken that watch to pieces a couple of times to see just what made it run, as Jack knew all about clockwork. Inside that watch there was nothing to be found except for a couple of cogs that connected the winder to the hands. There was no evidence whatsoever of a