Free My American Unhappiness by Dean Bakopoulos Page B

baby at twenty-two. I know, it's young, but they didn't go to college and so, anyway, they had this kid. I saw this kid a lot for the first year of its life—a beautiful, dark-haired, biracial kid. And then I go to graduate school and I get back to Montgomery and the kid is like, four. He's four. He hits, he talks back, his nose runs like a sieve, and he just won't stop growing.
    Leslie J., 33, graphic designer, Ypsilanti, MI:
Unhappy? I don't know. I'm not really an unhappy person. I'm not. I'm lucky that way.
[Long pause. Subject begins weeping.]
    Swanson B., 31, high school history teacher, Seattle, WA:
Lots of things. It doesn't take much to make me unhappy. I'm thirty-one. That alone makes me unhappy. But, for instance, the other day I had eaten an apple Jolly Rancher one of my students gave me. And it was pretty good. It had been years since I'd had a Jolly Rancher. But then I went over to the coffee shop for some coffee. That's the best part of my day. Double-cap, low foam. But it tasted like shit because I had just sucked on this Jolly Rancher for forty minutes. I was so disappointed. I guess disappointment makes me unhappy. And my name. I hate my name. Three months ago, my father—my mom's dead—admitted that they were eating frozen dinners in front of the TV when they came up with it. I'm named after a convenience food. That's not exactly a bright spot for me either.
    Martha N., 39, cabdriver, Madison, WI:
Well, the war. The president. Lies. Liars. Secrets and lies. Most everything political. I've gone from anger to sadness about most things. Health care. Global warming. I guess that's the way you can control a population, you know? Appease their rage with products and cheap credit. Then everybody gets surrounded by stuff and crap they can't pay for and they get totally down. You want to control everything? Just make everybody really unhappy. Then put them all on the same pill.
    Cory, 19, college student, Knoxville, TN:
Suffering, I guess. Is that what you mean? I don't know. This is sort of a dumb question.
    Holly R., 28, editor, New York, NY:
Everything. I'm totally serious. Elevators, pigeons, that plump woman over there in stilettos? All of those things, that's a start. My boyfriend makes me unhappy most of the time. I know, I know, that sounds awful, right? Well, there you go. That's what makes me unhappy.
    [
Interviewer: Do you think I could make you happy?
]
What? No. Oh, shit. You are some creep. I knew it. No.
    Sara B., 28, wedding planner, Tucson, AZ:
My ankles. I hate my ankles and every day I have to engage with them and notice how fucking unattractive they are and if that makes me petty, fine. There's a lot to be unhappy about. A lot of things make me unhappy. But, that's what my predominant unhappiness is. Ankles.
    God. Do you do this for a living?
    Kyle, 27, waiter, Houston, TX:
Um, geez. Jay Leno, I guess. Can't stand him and if I watch it, if I get sucked into his monologue, I can't sleep the whole night. I just lie there in bed perplexed by his fame and appeal.
    Wayne, 34, real estate agent, Dodgeville, WI:
Not much. I'm a pretty happy guy.
    [
Interviewer: You never get unhappy?
]
No. No, I just don't. Happiness is a choice. You know? Well, good luck with your project. And make it a great day!
    Larson, 32, Presbyterian minister, Ames, IA:
Faith. I know that is supposed to make you happy, right? Right? Anyway, lately, I feel like nobody is living according to Jesus's standards. I mean, how greedy can we get as a nation? How violent, how shallow, how full of selfishness? And then here I am, believing in this guy, this god, who was on earth two thousand years ago and said, "Give away your money, turn the other cheek, judge not." Who else is listening to him, I mean, really listening to him? Am I some freak because I listen to him? I actually talk to him every morning and think he is listening. Yeah, no, seriously—having faith in God can be miserable.
    Leah, 27, yoga and Pilates