Free Now Wait for Last Year by Philip Dick Page A

actually I can still serve Virgil in org-trans situations but I'll be stationed at Cheyenne.' He added, 'I've been drafted; as of tomorrow I'm a medic in the UN military forces, attached to Secretary Molinari's staff. There's nothing I can do to change it; Molinari signed the decree to that effect last night.'
    'Why?' Terror-stricken, she gazed up at him.
    'So I can get out of this. Before one of us—'
    'I won't spend any more money.'
    'There's a war on. Men are being killed. Molinari is sick and he needs medical help. Whether you spend money or not—'
    'But you asked for this job.'
    Presently he said, 'I begged for it, as a matter of fact. I gave Virgil the greatest line of hot fizz ever strung together at one time in one place.'
    She had drawn herself together now; she had become poised. 'What sort of pay will you receive?'
    'Plenty. And I'll continue to draw a salary from TF&D, too.'
    'Is there any way I can come with you?'
    'No.' He had seen to that.
    'I knew you'd dump me when you finally became a success – you've been trying to extricate yourself ever since we met.' Kathy's eyes filled with tears. 'Listen, Eric; I'm afraid that that drug I took is addictive. I'm terribly scared. You have no idea what it does; I think it comes from somewhere off Earth, maybe Lilistar. What if I kept taking it? What if because of your leaving—'
    Bending, he picked her up in his arms. 'You ought to keep away from those people; I've told you so goddam many times—' it was futile talking to her; he could see what lay ahead for both of them. Kathy had a weapon by which she could draw him back to her once more. Without him she would be destroyed by her involvement with Plout, Hastings, and company; leaving her would simply make the situation worse. The sickness that had entered them over the years could not be nullified by the act he had in mind, and only in the Martian babyland could he have imagined otherwise.
    He carried her into the bedroom and set her gently on the bed.
    'Ah,' she said, and shut her eyes. 'Oh Eric—' She sighed.
    However, he couldn't. This, too. Miserably, he moved from her, sat on the edge of the bed. 'I have to leave TF&D,' he said presently. 'And you have to accept it.' He stroked her hair. 'Molinari is cracking up; maybe I can't help him but at least I can try. See? That's the real—'
    Kathy said, 'You're lying.'
    'When? In what way?' He continued stroking her hair but it had become a mechanical action, without volition or desire.
    'You would have made love to me just now, if that was why you were leaving.' She rebuttoned her dress. 'You don't care about me.' Her voice held certitude; he recognized the drab, thin tone. Always this barrier, this impossibility of getting through. This time he did not waste his time trying; he simply went on stroking her, thinking, It'll be on my conscience, whatever happens to her. And she knows it, too. So she's absolved of the burden of responsibility, and that, for her, is the worst thing possible.
    Too bad, he thought, I wasn't able to make love to her.
    'My dinner's ready,' he said, rising.
    She sat up. 'Eric, I'm going to pay you back for leaving me.' She smoothed her dress. 'You understand?'
    'Yes,' he said, and walked into the kitchen.
    'I'll devote my life to it,' Kathy said, from the bedroom. 'Now I have a reason for living. It's wonderful to have a purpose at last; it's thrilling. After all these pointless ugly years with you. God, it's like being born all over again.'
    'Lots of luck,' he said.
    'Luck? I don't need luck; I need skill, and I think I have skill. I learned a lot during that episode under the effects of that drug. I wish I could tell you what it is; it's an incredible drug, Eric – it changes your entire perception of the universe and especially of other people. You don't ever view them the same again. You ought to try it. It would help you.'
    'Nothing,' he said, 'would help me.'
    His words, in his ears, sounded like an epitaph.
* * *
    He had almost