Free An Ex to Grind by Jane Heller Page A

Oh, and there was jewelry—rings, bracelets, earrings, a necklace. Surely enough gold to ransom a kidnap victim. Yes, I remembered her from the wedding now. I just hadn't made the connection between the woman I'd assumed was one of Weezie's wacky aunts and this person, who appeared to have a thriving business.
    She approached my chair and shook my hand. "Melanie?" she said in heavy New York-ese. It came out "Malanay."
    "Yes, and you must be Desiree," I said.
    "It's really Donna," she said in a conspiratorial, between-us-girls whisper. "I changed it when I got into this heart-hunting gig. Desiree works better for people, you know what I mean?"
    A character and a hustler?
    "So. You brought the info?" she asked.
    "Yes." I handed her the folder containing all the goodies her assistant had asked for.
    "Is the check in here?" she said.
    "It's paper-clipped to my cover letter," I said.
    "Bee-uteeful." She sat behind her desk, the folder in front of her. "Not that I'm about money, you understand. I'm about
love
."
    Yes, I'm afraid she pronounced it "luv." I took a quick look around the room, making a mental note of my evacuation route. What the hell was I doing there?
    "I hear you're a friend of Louise and Leonard's," she said.
    I nodded, squirming in my seat. I would make my apologies and scram. It probably wouldn't be the first time one of her first-timers did that. "Louise and I met at Pierce, Shelley and Steinberg."
    "Class acts, Louise and Leonard," she said. "They capped off a good year for me. I think I married over fifty clients."
    "Fifty?" I said, amazed. It seemed as if there were hardly any weddings anymore, unless you counted the civil unions in Sunday's
New York Times
Styles section.
    "You got it," she said. "But I've had hundreds of couples get married in the fifteen years I've been a heart hunter. Without any divorces, knock on wood." She knocked on the side of her head.
    "You must be very adept at what you do," I said. Well? Maybe matchmaking was a talent, just like ice-skating, and Desiree had it. I reconsidered my initial impulse to bolt.
    "I'm the best," she said without a hint of modesty. "And not a single complaint from the Better Business Bureau, which is unusual for a matchmaking service. There are plenty of shady organizations out there, taking people's money and then pairing them with ex-cons. I'm strictly on the up-and-up. I don't pull any shenanigans."
    "What's the secret of your success as a matchmaker?" I said, deciding I'd stick around after all and see if it made sense to pull my own shenanigans.
    "Part of it is that finding matches for people is my passion." She pressed her hands together in the prayer position. "I consider what I do a mission from God."
    "That's very spiritual," I said.
    "And my background checks contribute to my success," she said, returning to earth. "I prescreen my clients so that there are no surprises." She patted the folder on her desk, the one that would be full of surprises.
    "And I make a special effort to recruit men," she said.
    "Why men?"
    "Because they're in short supply, compared to all the available women on the prowl. If there's an eligible bachelor out there, I'll bag him."
    I smiled. I had an eligible bachelor she could bag. He didn't have a job, but he wasn't an ex-con.
    "Oh, and there's one other reason I'm successful," she said. "I understand what makes a good relationship."
    Blah blah blah, I thought. Here comes the Dr. Phil crap. Just sit there and listen politely.
    "It doesn't begin with the first date," she said. "It begins with two people who are well adjusted. When a match is truly a match, it's because each person has faced up to something that scarred them—some baggage—and gotten past it, before they came together. Like, if you're still caught up in the bitterness of a breakup, you're not match material."
    "No?" So I wasn't match material. Big deal. I wasn't there for myself.
    "No. Being overly critical of an ex during your first meeting with the new