Free Under the Apple Tree by Lilian Harry

told me the full story, never will. I don’t think
    he can bear to remember it.’
    ‘Bad as it was, I don’t think the gas was the worst of it,’
    Alice said. ‘I think it was what else happened to him that
    upsets him most.’
    There was a brief silence, then Cissie said, ‘I reckon you
    might be right, Mum.’ She turned back to Judy. ‘See - your
    dad and me were childhood sweethearts - always knew each
    other, and we always knew we’d get married one day. But
    there didn’t seem to be no hurry till the war broke out, and
    then when he joined up we thought it’d all be over by
    Christmas, so we decided to get married then, when he came
     
    back. And so we did, only it wasn’t all over, and he’d had a
    taste of the trenches by then and he didn’t want to go back.’
    ‘Didn’t have no choice, though, did he,’ Alice said. ‘You
    either got shot as a deserter or went back and probably got
    shot by the Germans.’
    ‘That’s right. He had an awful time — I only know about
    it from the nightmares he used to have. Still has, sometimes,
    specially since this lot started … He didn’t come home
    again till the next Christmas - our Terry was three months
    old then. I tell you, when he walked through that door over
    there, I didn’t even recognise him. He looked like a ghost.
    No - more like a skeleton, he was so thin and drawn. And
    he couldn’t even talk for three days - just sat and cried in
    the chair. Wanted me with him all the time, couldn’t bear to
    let the baby out of his sight … It was pitiful. Pitiful.’
    Judy stared at her, shocked. ‘But what was the matter
    with him?’
    ‘What do you think? He’d had just about all he could
    take. A lot of them had. They’d been living like rats in
    holes, being shot at day and night - it wasn’t human, what
    they had to go through. Why, we couldn’t even bang a door
    shut without him jumping out of his skin. Shell-shock, they
    called it,’ Cissie said bitterly. ‘Gave him a few weeks’ leave
    to get over it and then dragged him back. He wasn’t over it,
    not by a long way. He isn’t over it now - he never will be.
    It’s why he flares up sometimes, all over nothing. Something
    happens that touches him on the raw and he loses his
    temper. He never used to be like that. It’s all through what
    happened in the war.’
    ‘And was it after that when he was gassed?’ Judy asked
    quietly.
    ‘That’s right. Saved his life, that did.’
    ‘Saved his life? But it’s left him more or less crippled!’
    ‘And if it hadn’t, he’d be dead,’ Cissie said bluntly. Judy,
    accustomed to gentleness from her mother, caught her
    breath at the harshness of her voice. ‘They called it shell
     
    shock when he was home and they wanted him back again,
    but out there they had a different name for it. Cowardice.
    And you know what they did to cowards, don’t you?’ She
    gave Judy a bitter look. ‘They shot them.’
    Judy caught her breath. ‘You mean they were going to
    shoot Dad?’
    ‘I’m not saying they were going to, but I think that’s what
    he expected. And then they got this gas attack. He only got a
    whiff, mind - he said there were boys that got a full whack,
    and they died screaming. It turns your lungs to a sort of
    mush … But your father wasn’t too close. It was enough to
    make him poorly for a bit, mind, and leave his lungs
    damaged for life, but it got him invalided home and there
    was no more talk about cowardice. He was all right to work
    too, for a few years, till it started to get worse, but at least he’s still alive. I thank God on my knees every day that he’s
    still alive.’
    Judy was silent. She had always known that her father’s
    illness stemmed from the Great War, but had never heard
    the details before. She glanced at her Aunt Polly.
     
    ‘I suppose you didn’t realise - you were only little then.’
    ‘Nine, when he first came home,’ Polly said. ‘I was a
    bridesmaid at the wedding. I was only twelve