Free Finding Strength by Shevawn Michelle Page A

from the counter where I left it the night before. Settling Braxton into his high-chair, I manage to grab the phone just as it stops ringing. Looking at the screen, I see it was Amy. I’ll call her back as soon as I get Braxton some breakfast. I make him some scrambled eggs and cut up some fruit for him and set it in front of him. It doesn’t take him long to dig into his meal.
    I dial Amy’s number and wait for her to pick up.
    “Hello?” I hear her answer.
    “Hey, sorry I couldn’t get to the phone earlier. Braxton was up and ready for something to eat.”
    “It’s okay, how are you today?” she ask.
    “I think I’m okay. I mean, it’s been six months, Amy. Six long and very hard months without him.” It’s so hard to believe how fast the time has gone by. “I don’t know sometimes how I have even managed to make it this far.”
    “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, Anna. I have seen you at your lowest, not once but twice now. Sometimes, I’m not so sure how you do it.”
    The silence was thick and heavy. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I said nothing instead. I have never seen myself as strong, just trudging on the only way I know how. One day at a time. Just when I thought that Amy had hung up the phone, she speaks again.
    “Anna? Are you still there?” she asks.
    “I’m here,” I say so low that I am sure Amy struggled to hear me. My thoughts are pretty scattered, thinking of the past, of the present, and the long road of the unknown future, sure to be a long and desolate one. Amy’s words break into my thoughts, bringing me back from the brink of the blackness that was pulling me into its tentacles.
    “Did you hear me, Anna?” she ask.
    “I’m sorry, what?”
    “I asked if you wanted to come over tonight for dinner,” she repeated, the strain in her voice showing the worry she was trying to hide.
    “Sure. What time should I come and do you need me to bring anything?” I asked.
    “Just bring yourself and that nephew of mine. You can come anytime, you know that.”
    “Okay, let me get Braxton cleaned up and get myself cleaned up and then we’ll head that direction. Amy?”
    “Yeah?”
    “Thank you. I know it seems like I am always saying that to you, but I need you to know how muc h everything you have done means to me. Both you and Shane have always been the center beam of my life when everything around me falls apart,” I say, the tremble in my voice not going unnoticed by either of us.
    “You’re always welcome. I love you like my own sister, Anna. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you or Braxton,” she says.
    “I love you, too, Amy. I’ll see you soon,” I say, then hang up the phone after she says her goodbye.
    I take a deep breath and sit down with my plate of eggs, which are now on the cool side, next to Braxton. He has finished eating and is now playing with the remaining strawberries on his plate making a mushy mess out of the red berries. Definitely bath time for him after I finish eating.
     
    I finished bathing Braxton and set him in his pack ‘n play just outside of the bathroom door. I need a shower and since it’s not his naptime, I only get a quick rub and scrub, get out of the tub, shower. I dry off and get dressed in record time. Running the brush through the tangled mass that has become my hair, I reach for the detangler on the other side of the sink.
    What catches my eye nearly buckles my knees.
    Jacob’s razor is half hidden behind a couple of bottles of my perfume. I thought that Amy had gotten everything of his packed away, since I couldn’t bring myself to do it, but I guess she missed the razor. Tears burn the back of my eyes just seeing the metal handle of the razor poking out from behind the bottles.
    I grab hold of the counter and close my eyes. I miss him. I miss him so dang much. It feels as if the temporary sutures that are holding my broken heart together are being snipped and pulled away, leaving the gaping hole wide