Free Finding Strength by Shevawn Michelle Page B

open in my chest. Everything I learned on how to cope with this kind of heartache after Lindsey died has escaped me. I can’t seem to find my way out of this. It’s almost impossible to get a deep, fulfilling breath into my lungs. The burning in my chest is inescapable. I am losing my grip on reality and the darkness is creeping in fast, promising to take me away from the pain and heartbreak.
    “Mama, Mama, Mama.” I hear just barely over the roar in my ears. Suddenly, as those words infiltrate my brain and register, it’s as if the light from a distant lighthouse has spotted me and is drawing me into its brightness. The pain in my chest lessens and as I open my eyes, I allow them to follow the sound still repeating just outside of the bathroom door. Braxton. Braxton is my lighthouse and his words are the hands that have grabbed hold of the invisible sutures around my heart, pulling back, bringing the deep wound together again.
    I hold tight to my precious boy, kissing his cheek. The tears have turned from ones of pain to ones of happiness. This little soul that is the perfection of Jacob and I, rescued me. He is the purpose of my life, the meaning behind every breath I take, every struggle I face. I reluctantly set him back down in the playpen to finish getting ready.
     
    Spending time with Shane and Amy always seems to lift my spirits. They help remind me that I am alive and that there is more to this life than what I allow myself to envision for myself. Their reminders don’t always fall on deaf ears, but I have to admit, most of the time, it’s too much for me to fathom. I honestly do try to take every piece of advice they give me and apply it to my life every day. Some days, it’s just not that easy, but I try all the same.
    Watching the kids play lifts my spirits and renews my faith in life. Their happy squeals of laughter is enough to warm the coldest of hearts. Seeing Allie and Braxton’s interactions with one another is like watching a comedy all on its own. These two tend to make us laugh a lot, allowing me to forget the pain that is always present, lingering in the shadows just waiting for an opening to jump in and cripple me.
     
    Dinner was served, conversation flowed, and eventually it was time to go home. I had helped clean the kitchen and pick up the toys the kids played with in the living room, returning it to its former state before the storms known as Allie and Braxton took over. I pack up Braxton’s bag and give Amy and Shane a hug goodnight. The drive back to my house is quiet. Braxton, too lost in the passing scenery to go to sleep, stays silent the whole way home. 
    After Braxton is down for the night, I take a few minutes to myself watching a sitcom on TV. I know the hardest part of my day is just ahead of me when I go to bed. It seems this is the part that never gets easier. At least, it hasn’t so far. Climbing into my bed, I lay on my side facing Jacob’s side of the bed.
    “I miss you, Jacob. I don’t understand why you were taken from me. I don’t know which direction my life is supposed to go without you. I never knew how hard it would be to live without you. I miss Lindsey, too. It all just seems to be too much for me to bear sometimes. When Lindsey died, I had you. You were there from the very first day I had to live without my daughter. I lost part of myself when she died, but you quickly gave me the missing piece of my heart by giving me yours. When you died, there wasn’t another you there, but you still left me your heart. I’m covetous, Jacob. I want you here with me. I guess you knew that though, because you also left me with the best part of you. You left me with Braxton. As much as I don’t want to do this alone and without you, I will. I have to for our son. I have to for you, and I have to for me. I’ll never let you go. I love you, Jacob. I will never stop loving you.”
    Reaching over, I clutch Jacob’s pillow and pull it close to me, snuggling it up against my