Free Finding Strength by Shevawn Michelle

beside me.              
    “What are you doing?” I ask.
    “Staying in here with you, what did you think I was doing?” he says, leaning back against the headboard beside me.
    “We have company here, you can go watch the movie with them.”
    “They are more family than anything, you know that. Besides, I want to be here with you,” he says, grabbing my hand and wrapping it up in his warm ones. I lean into him, smelling the familiar scent that is Zak, clean, sandalwood, with a hint of Polo Red cologne.
    I’m not sure what time I fell asleep but the sun is now up and shining a beam through the window. Looking at the clock, it reads nine-thirty. I push myself up and just as I am about to get myself out of the bed, Amy walks into the room.
    “Morning!” she says, cheerily, carrying a cup of coffee in one hand and a plate of donuts in the other.
    “Morning. You’re awful chipper this morning, did you kill a cat on your way to get donuts?” I ask, a throaty laugh escaping me.
    “Yes, as a matter of fact, I did,” she replies, stone faced, not a hint of a joke showing on her face. I stare her, shocked.
    “I’m kidding, Anna!” she says, swatting my leg. I let out the breath I was holding in.
    “You just scared the bejesus out of me!”
    “You should know better,” she sings more than says.
    “Let’s get this started before I have to get up and go ninja on you,” I say.
    She looks at me incredulous and it makes me laugh out loud. Amy joins in, both of us laughing until tears are leaking out of our eyes.
    We calm down and Amy gets serious, ready to start the task at hand. I’m not sure how much time we have, so I need to make every second count.
     
    January 17th 2007
     
    Before I met Jacob, I couldn’t picture my life with someone who would love me unconditionally. I didn’t ever imagine my life with anyone in it but Lindsey. After meeting Jacob and loving him from within the depths of my soul, I couldn’t imagine my life without him being a part of it. And now, I don’t have to imagine it, I have to live it. Day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute, I have lived my life barely staying afloat since Jacob was murdered. The only thing keeping me from sinking in this sea of utter sorrow is Braxton. If it wasn’t for him, I would have drowned in my misery. For him, I have managed to pull myself together enough to function a little more every day. A shadow of who I once was. 
    The nights are the hardest. When Braxton sleeps, I am alone without distraction. The loneliness consumes me. I miss Jacob’s voice, his touch caressing my skin. I miss his warmth and companionship. I long to feel him press his lips to mine. To see the love that was always present in his eyes when he looked at me. I close my eyes and try to remember the feel of him wrapped around me. For a brief fleeting moment, I can still smell his cologne, feel the comfort, the peace, and the pleasure he filled me with. Always too soon, the moment passes and the contentment I felt in those few seconds dissipates, leaving me dejected.
    It’s a daily battle, finding strength to face another day. Some days, I feel as though there is no more hope. I have to search deep within myself to the darkest recesses of my soul and remind myself that I have a beautiful reason to find the light inside of me, if only a spark. Jacob would want that. That’s all he ever wanted. My happiness and Braxton’s. I hold on to th e memory of Jacob so tightly that sometimes, it’s all I see.
    I hear Braxton making noises as he wakes in the early morning. Walking into his room, I scoop him up into my arms and hold him as close to me as I can. He looks so much like Jacob. It hurts to see so much of his dad in him, yet at the same time, I am grateful. Braxton is the only piece of Jacob I have left, with the exception of Jacob’s heart. That, I will never give back.
    As I make my way to the kitchen with Braxton on my hip, I hear my cell phone ringing