Free Love... And Sleepless Nights MAY 2012 by Nick Spalding

non-plussed.
    Somebody completely invisible has just broken up the advanced necking session, so his confusion is entirely understandable.
    Rachel isn’t any happier, but she can see me just fine, so is a lot clearer on what just happened.
    My face is like thunder, so she doesn’t put up much of a fight when I tell her we’re evacuating the premises.
    ‘I’ll just get Gavin’s number,’ she says.
    ‘Fuck Gavin,’ I tell her. ‘You’ll thank me in the morning,’ I add, dragging her away by a reluctant arm.
     
    We’re nearly at the car when Rachel goes three different shades of green and runs behind a row of wheelie bins.
    Melina staggers over to help hold her hair back, while Shelley deposits herself on the nearest car bonnet and sparks up a fag.
    For my part, I ignore the fact I need the toilet and prop myself up next to her.
    As Rachel strains behind me and Shelley hacks up a lung, I reflect that being sober and healthy due to pregnancy might not be such a bad thing after all…
     
    ‘Good night?’ Jamie asks sleepily from the couch when I get in the door.
    ‘Let’s put it this way. If I’m going to throw up a lot, have no centre of balance and look deeply unattractive, I’d rather have a baby at the end to show for it.’
    He gives me a confused look.
    I wave it off, smile to myself… and go for another sodding wee.
     
    Love you and miss you, Mum.
     
    Your stone cold sober daughter, Laura.
     
    xxx

 
     
     
    Jamie’s Blog
    Tuesday 10 September
     
     
    ‘I want bacon,’ the monster growls at me from her duvet cocoon in the centre of our bed. ‘Get me bacon.’
    ‘Yes mistress,’ I say humbly, tugging my forelock as I back out of the room in fear for my life.
    ‘Bacon and chocolate. I want bacon and chocolate,’ it tells me, cold, hard eyes boring their way into my mortal soul. ‘Together!’
    I must serve the creature.
    I must do as it says.
    I stumble down the stairs, the sound of its ragged breathing following me to the ground floor.
    In the kitchen, I get out the frying pan and place three rashers of bacon into it.
    ‘Make sure it’s fucking crispy!’ it screeches, and I quail over the hob, praying that one day soon sweet death will take me in its warm embrace and spirit me away from my hideous servitude.
    I fry the bacon until it is as crispy as I can make it.
    Placing the dead pig flesh on a plate, I remove the chocolate from the fridge and begin to grate it over the bacon.
    I don’t know why!
    Why ? Why would anyone want bacon and chocolate together?
    It’s a culinary travesty!
    But… I must not say anything to the creature. Must not let it know my thoughts. It will eat me alive if it knows…
    The chocolate melts over the bacon. The smell is horrible, a combination of pig meat and Dairy Milk that makes my stomach revolve like a hotel door.
    Slowly, I make my way back upstairs, the plate held out in front of me like an offering to one of the elder gods.
    In the bedroom it stirs.
    One beady eye stares at me from the duvet cocoon, bidding me enter.
    ‘Is it crispy?’ it demands.
    ‘Yes, yes it is indeed crispy,’ I reply in the voice of the smallest mouse. ‘and covered in chocolate, as you requested.’
    ‘The Bourneville Dark?’
    My heart sinks, my palsied hands begin to shake.
    ‘No mistress, the Dairy Milk. You finished the Bourneville last night.’ I cower, knowing the death blow may come at any time.
    It snatches the plate from me, exposing one taloned hand for the briefest of moments.
    ‘Begone foul slave!’ it tells me… and my soul sings. Today will not be the day I am eaten alive. It spares me for another.
    Once more I tug my forelock and back away as it slobbers and stuffs the chocolate covered meat into its ravenous maw.
    My heavens, I do not know how much longer I can go on. The suffering.
    Oh, the suffering !
     
    ***
     
    The bacon and chocolate surprise is just the latest in the list of cravings that Laura has developed during the pregnancy.
    However