Free Where'd You Go, Bernadette: A Novel by Maria Semple

allows warm, moist air to move right into western Washington with the potential for heavy rain.
    Yesterday, the media shrugged off my serious weather warnings for Seattle as a Henny Penny false alarm.
This is no false alarm
. The unforeseen storm path has allowed a low-pressure system to move north of Puget Sound and warm temperatures to abound.
    In Seattle, warm temperatures, associated with moist, Pineapple Express air, have already produced a rainfall of two inches between 7 PM yesterday and 7 AM this morning. I am now going out on a limb and projecting that this flow will stagnate over Puget Sound and the deluge will continue for hours. We are in the midst of a most notable weather show.
    *
    See, that’s what I mean about loving Cliff Mass. Because, basically, all he’s saying is it’s going to rain.
    *
    From: Ollie-O
    To: Prospective Parent Brunch Committee
    REAL-TIMEFLASH!
    The day of the PPB has come. Unfortunately, our biggest get, the sun , is going to be a no-show. Ha-ha. That was my idea of a joke.
    It’s imperative we run tight . It would be death-dealing for Galer Street if the prospectives felt their time was being wasted, especially during the holiday shopping season . Our objective is for the Mercedes Parents to see and be seen, and then spring them so they can storm U Village and take advantage of these astonishing fifty-percent-off storewide sales .
    10:00–10:45—MPs arrive. Drinks and food passed.
    10:45—Mr. Kangana and parent Helen Derwood arrive with kindergarteners, who enter, quiet as church mice , through side door and situate themselves for marimba performance.
    10:55—Gwen Goodyear gives short welcoming speech, then directs MPs to sunroom. Mr. Kangana leads kindergarteners in marimba performance.
    11:15—Closing remarks.
    Gwen Goodyear will be stationed at the door, bidding adieux , and handing out Galer Street swag. There is no way to overemphasize the importance of this. Just because they’re Mercedes Parents doesn’t mean they’re not highly receptive to free shit . (Excuzey-moi!)
    Cheers!
    *
    From: Soo-Lin Lee-Segal
    To: Audrey Griffin
    GOOD LUCK TODAY! I just spoke with Pizza Nuovo. The rain doesn’t affect their wood-burning oven. They will set up a tent in the backyard. I’m stuck in Redmond because Elgin is making a presentation in another city and he wants me at my desk to troubleshoot any glitches. No comment.
    *
    From: Ollie-O
    To: Prospective Parent Brunch Committee
    Crisis . Enormous billboard hovering over Audrey’s house. Erected overnight by crazy neighbor . (Fellow Galer Street parent?) Audrey hysterical. Husband calling city attorney. I don’t do black swan .
    *
    From: Helen Derwood, PhD
    To: Galer Street Kindergarten Parents
    Cc: Galer Street All-School List
    Dear Parents,
    I assume your little ones have told you snippets about the shocking events at today’s brunch. No doubt you are concerned and confused. As the only kindergarten parent in attendance, I’ve been inundated with phone calls asking what really happened.
    As many of you know, I’m a counselor at Swedish Medical Center, specializing in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I went to New Orleans after Katrina and still make frequent trips to Haiti. With the permission of Head of School Goodyear, I am writing both as a parent and PTSD counselor.
    It’s important to root our discussion in the facts. You dropped off your children in front of Galer Street. From there, we boarded the bus, and Mr. Kangana drove us to the Queen Anne home of Audrey and Warren Griffin. Despite the rain, the setting was lovely. The planters were full of colorful flowers, and the smell of burning wood filled the air.
    A gentleman by the name of Ollie-O greeted us and directed us to the side entrance, where we were asked to remove our raincoats and rain boots.
    The brunch was in full swing. There were approximately fifty guests in attendance, who all appeared to be enjoying themselves. I noted palpable tension coming from