Free Heavenly by Jennifer Laurens

the
    comforting sureness I had felt when I was with Matthias.
    I let out a snort. "Wish I had a Matthias of my own," I muttered, jealous of Abria for the first time in my life.
    The temptation to go back to Abria's school and simply sit, wait and watch was strong. I wasn't an addict, but I'd
    heard Luke talk about cravings. The gnaw inside of me was fierce. I couldn't miss anymore classes. I had to go to school. But that tranquil feeling... I tried to feel it, my soul searching for serenity, but I came up empty.
    Disillusioned, disappointed, I drove to school and parked near the football field where no one parked, as far away
    from the buildings as I could get, so I could cry my eyes out without being seen.
    At that moment, I was ready to run as far away as I could without saying goodbye—take responsibility, family, and future,
    and toss them out the window.
    I dried the tears on my cheeks and caught sight of three guys sitting around the base of one of the goal posts. I would
    have recognized Luke's mop of blonde hair in a crowd of a thousand. I got out and marched over.
    They noticed me when I was halfway across the field. Two got up and made a beeline for the classrooms, tamping out
    whatever they'd been smoking on the way. Luke stood, hands diving into the depths of his front pockets.
    Sweet smoke gave away their vice, that and the glazed look in Lukeś eyes. "What are you doing? Smoking on school
    property. Are you nuts? You could get arrested!"
    "Quiet down."
    "Oh, you're afraid of being caught but you choose to light up out where everyone can see you? You really are stupid,
    you know that?"
    He lowered his head, didn't say anything. The slump in his shoulders said more than words ever could. That pained
    me. Why he gave in to stupidity when he'd been the brightest, happiest little boy was another painful mystery I yearned to
    solve, just like the mystery of Abria and autism, the elusiveness of both the root of the helplessness I carried.
    "Leave me alone." He started toward the building, head hung, shoulders caved. I had the fleeting wish I could tell him about Matthias. Share with him the calm peace I'd felt. But he'd think I'd just smoked a joint of my own.
    I let out a sigh. I wasn't sure what to do, but the usual fury I carried inside when I caught him doing something
    brainless had already vanished. Replacing the turbulent feelings was the need to make him feel better.
    I caught up with him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you stupid. I've been on one today. Britt.. .Abria.. .stuff..."
    "Yeah."
    "I really didn't mean it," I said, wanting him to acknowledge my effort at apologizing.
    "It's okay."
    He'd always been quietly agreeable, but inside I knew I couldn't possibly bandage the wound my words had inflicted. "You want to go do something? We could skip class."
    "I've already skipped this morning."
    I laughed. "So did I. Maybe that isn't a great idea."
    He looked over. "You never sluff."
    "Yeah, well, I'm not as perfect as you think I am." I joked but he didn't smile. I was pretty sure he saw my faults as blatantly as I saw his.
    We walked in silence into the closest building, the gulf between us frighteningly wide, deep and seemingly
    impossible to cross. A gulf dug with years of differences in age, friends and choices.
    Luke was no more than a stranger with my last name.
    He walked off toward his class, his blond mop hanging, his jeans unapologetically haggard, riding as low as his self
    image. I cringed when he didn't say goodbye. What was his next class? I didn't know.
    With a sore heart, I headed for history.

    Mr. Brinkerhoffs room was full with a class starting in a few minutes. I went to his desk and he looked up from the
    papers he was shuffling through. "Yes Zoe?"
    "Sorry I missed class today. I wondered if I could come after school and make up the test and essay."
    "Sure. But be here on time, I only have an hour."
    "It won't take me that long," I smiled, trying my own brand of charm.
    He grinned.