Free Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino Page A

from childhood or past relationships. No matter how trustworthy your behavior, someone who has a hard time trusting will still find
it hard to trust you. If you know that trust is difficult for you, working
on it can help you resolve some of the underlying issues and avert
problems in your open relationships. Often a partner's paranoia, possessiveness, or jealousy can stem from a lack of trust. If your partner
has trust issues, be patient, reassuring, and supportive; do not take on his insecurity by agreeing to unrealistic expectations or sharing his
paranoia; encourage him to get help working on the issue.

    What the new model of
open-ended marriage seeks
to promote is risk-taking in
trust; the warmth of loving
without anxiety; the
extension of affection; the
excitement and pleasure of
knowing sensuously a
variety of other persons;
the enrichment which
personalities can
contribute to each other;
the joy of being fully alive
in every encounter.
    -RONALD MAZUR'

    Polyamory educator Anita Wagner believes that pacing yourself
in a relationship can positively affect the trust level:
    Trust is based on knowing a person not just in what they say
about themselves, but observing them as well. It takes a
while to get to know someone really well. The newer your
relationship, the less substantial the foundation for it, in
terms of really knowing and trusting each other. Now, there's
a case to be made for the opposite: you can learn to trust that
person, see them go out [with someone else], come back,
continue to do right by your relationship, continue to be
invested in it. So trust can be built that way too, but there has
to be a good balance. Pacing yourself early in relationships
helps to keep things stable and helps prevent the big
blowups, the big crash-and-burns.8
    Wagner makes an important point: don't rush the process of building
trust. The more deeply you trust someone, the easier it will be to take the
leap of faith with her as you explore possibilities beyond monogamy
Fidelity and Commitment
    One of the values most strongly associated with monogamy and traditional marriage is fidelity Every day, in their wedding vows, spouses
promise to be faithful to each other and to forsake all others. Most
folks assume that if you're in a nonmonogamous relationship, you're
being unfaithful by definition. Nonmonogamous people have tossed
out the "forsaking all others" part, but that doesn't mean they reject the
notion of fidelity
    Although monogamy and fidelity have become intertwined in
cultural definitions, fidelity ultimately means believing strongly in your love and in your relationship, and keeping your promises. If the statistics on cheating are accurate, keeping your promises is something
monogamous people have a tough time doing. Nonmonogamous relationships are built not on vows of exclusivity but on the agreements
people make and honor; therefore, fidelity is an essential part of nonmonogamy

    There is a false assumption that open relationships are less committed than monogamous ones. This is because nonmonogamous
people often make commitments in the absence of the legal documents, state recognition, and financial rewards and benefits that come
with a marital commitment. They often do not have the acknowledgment, support, or acceptance of friends and families. In the absence of
such external validation, they are bound together by their faith in each
other and by their daily words and deeds.
    Of course, self-awareness, communication, healthy boundaries,
trust, fidelity, and commitment aren't the only values that make open
relationships work. People in open relationships also embrace respect,
generosity, freedom, and authenticity. One last quality that cannot go
unmentioned in any discussion of open relationships is compersion, a
concept that may be new to many readers. Compersion is taking joy in
your partner's pleasure or happiness with another partner. For some,
compersion has an