Free Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino Page B

erotic component: they get turned on watching,
imagining, or hearing about their partner's sexual experiences. Some
practitioners of polyamory think of compersion as the opposite of jealousy, or at least the antidote to jealousy Given the problems (and
drama) ignited by jealousy, you can see how compersion can go a long
way toward creating a foundation for pleasure and generosity in any
relationship. Read more about compersion in Chapter 13.

     

Chapter 5

Partnered Nonmonogamy
    THIS SECTION OF THE BOOK is devoted to different styles of open
relationships. While I name and define these styles, they are not meant
to be rigid categories, but rather a loose framework from which you
can start to build your unique relationships.
    Partnered nonmonogamy is a style for committed couples who
want a relationship that is erotically nonmonogamous, where each
partner can be involved with other people for sex, BDSM, or other
erotic activities. The BDSM play may or may not include genital sex. I
make this distinction because some BDSM does not involve sex. For
some who enjoy BDSM, many activities-for example, flogging, piercing, and hot wax-are intense, erotic, satisfying, and even orgasmic
without any sexual contact. Whether or not BDSM play with other
partners includes genital sex is something that every couple needs to
negotiate. Your definition of sex, or of BDSM, may not encompass
some of the activities you engage in with others-for example, crossdressing, foot worship, or a particular fetish.
    Experiences with other people may occur once or be recurring,
but they are generally considered temporary, casual, commitment-free,
and nonromantic. The primary focus of your time and energy is your committed relationship, not entering a serious relationship with anyone
else. If you have fantasized together about bringing a third person into
your bed for a night, if you want to have a casual fling (or two) while
you're out of town, or if you'd like a sex or BDSM playmate whom you
see regularly, then this style may be your ideal form of nonmonogamy

    You and your partner might choose partnered nonmonogamy if:
    • you want to have sex/BDSM with others but your relationship
remains the priority
    • you have no interest in additional partners for anything but
sex or BDSM and possibly friendship
    • you want to fulfill a fantasy that involves group sex, multiplepartner sex, or a group BDSM scene
    • you want to have sex or play with a person of a different
gender than your primary partner
    • you want to express a part of yourself sexually with someone
other than your primary partner, perhaps to fulfill certain
sexual or kinky desires, needs, or fantasies
    • you want to explore a sexual, BDSM, or other activity that your
partner has no interest, experience, or skill in
    • you want to explore a specific role or power dynamic (Top/
bottom, Dominant/submissive) with someone other than your
primary partner
    I know two men in a relationship who are committed to one
another to be sexually exclusive, with one exception: each is allowed
to hook up with other men at bathhouses or at the gym, provided it
goes no further than mutual masturbation. This couple doesn't consider masturbation "sex," so they think of themselves as "monogamous
with benefits."
    David and Sadie also consider themselves monogamous,
although they do BDSM play and some sexual activity with others. "We
can play with other people, but no sex. By no sex, I mean no vaginal or anal intercourse. There can be genital contact, orgasms, fisting, penetration with toys," Sadie says. David says, "Playing with different
people provides different experiences. Playing with your spouse can
bring in different, more complicated emotions. Playing with close
friends and others allows for different types of emotions and connections, but not necessarily baggage that you have to take home."

    Jason makes a clear distinction between his relationship and his
other