Free Twin Flames by Lexi Ander

the panic that would drive me back to my room with monosyllable answers because I was reminded of before. I waited through two glasses of sweet tea. I waited as I ate the monster construction Ushna claimed was a sandwich. I waited as I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.
None of it came. No panic, no horror, no embarrassment. Instead, I carefully moved around the kitchen, keeping my back to Ushna trying to hide the first real hard-on I'd had in years.
C
HAPTER FOUR
    I went to bed in a sort of daze. Had Elder Koller's suggestion that Ushna thought of me as more than a friend caused what happened to me tonight? It would've been easy to let myself believe that, to place the blame on the suggestion so I didn't have to take responsibility for my actions. That way I could get up tomorrow and go on like my mind hadn't short circuited when I was ogling my best friend. It would've been the easiest thing to do, but it wouldn't have been true.
    Besides, the elder had said Ushna was the one who wanted more from me than a platonic relationship, not the other way around. I knew it couldn't be true. Ushna had never let on he was attracted to me.
    Okay, so I'd been distracted and not all there for a long time. Surely I would've noticed something like that. Weren't there supposed to be longing looks or something? Neesie, my little sister, would go on and on about the characters in her books who would tease and entice with looks, touches, and words. Sure, Ushna had been looking at me tonight. I didn't think it counted when he'd watched me eat because he was worried that I had spaced out more than once.
    Ushna had always been, well, Ushna. His manner toward me was the same it had always been. So it wasn't he who'd changed, I was the one who'd changed.
    Something about me was different. I wasn't sure if "changed" was even the right word. Maybe "woke up" would fit better. Back in the alley, when I'd thought there was a chance I could die, I'd realized I wanted to live. I'd been ghosting through life a long time, going through the motions. I'd been viewing the world from behind frosted glass and suddenly was faced with crystal clarity.
    In a way, this was amazing, this feeling of not just living but of being alive. Long ago I'd resigned myself to less; to have less, enjoy less, be less. I'd been living life in shades of gray. Buying and working the ranch had put some color in my life, but nothing like the maelstrom of the last couple of days.
    Then there was the power coiled within me. I rubbed my chest, where I could still feel it resting. Had it always been there? If so, why hadn't I felt it before? What caused it to wake up? Was it an ability, a gift that should've manifested at puberty? If it was, why hadn't it? Why had it surfaced now? If this was an ability, then I might not be crazy. The thought brought a small measure of relief amidst my frantic questioning.
    The moonlight moved across the foot of my bed as the hours passed. I contemplated my reactions to Ushna over the past few hours. Did I still view him as only a friend? Could my response be attributed to finally waking up, and my reactions to Ushna a part of coming back to life? I didn't know and it bothered me. I felt like I was in limbo, as if there was a choice to be made and I was clueless as to what it was.
    If I was being honest with myself, I'd acknowledge I was scared. Absolutely fucking terrified. I'd been living with a numbness where very little mattered. I'd merely existed. Actually living again brought a certain amount of risk. I could be hurt again. It was safer if I went back to that gray place because I didn't want to fall back into depression again, and I didn't know if I would have the strength to come back from it a second time.
    Could I keep myself from getting hurt like that again? Could I keep better control of myself? Could I learn to deal differently with the pain that came from living a normal life? Well, I was going to find out because I didn't want to go