Free If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth Page B

make a connection. In a letter that he has yet to send, Jonathan writes, “Like a logger clear-cutting his way through a national treasure, you trampled me. That not being enough, it seems you’ve now discarded me.”
    Prominent Families
    Some families prominent in social, political, or corporate circles also share a Cultlike style. Doing anything that would embarrass a prominent parent or hurt a parent’s chances for corporate or politicaladvancement is viewed as a mortal sin. These parents see their children’s needs as secondary to the needs of the social circle or corporation. Children in these families can end up feeling like props.
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    Herb, forty-four and successful in the medical field, was a ten-year-old curly-haired boy with a cherubic expression when his Cultlike, Perfectionistic father stepped onto the corporate ladder of a large Midwestern manufacturing company. As his parents struggled to fit in with the corporate social set, Herb’s and his younger brother’s lives changed dramatically. Their father, consumed by his climb up the company hierarchy, intensely examined corporate nuances of office size, seating at meetings, and the makeup of golf foursomes to see who might be edging him out for advancement. This scrutiny eventually extended to Herb. He had to dress right—as well or better than other corporate sons—even down to his country-club swim trunks, which had to be ironed before every visit. He had to think right, getting only top-notch grades, since this might reflect on his father’s chances for advancement. Most of all, he had to act right, behaving “like a perfect little gentleman.” Before company social functions, Herb’s father would rehearse how Herb should greet his father’s superiors or anyone else his father wanted to impress, saying their names in a strong, clear voice and giving a firm handshake .
    â€œEveryone talked about how well-behaved and good-looking my brother and I were and my parents just glowed,” Herb says. “I felt like we were just dough to be molded into a final product .”
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    Herb’s father, like many Cultlike parents, needed to feel superior to others: “His attitude was, ‘We are special, our race is special, our religion is special, and our corporation is special.’ He would always remind me that we had an ancestor who was a signer of the Declaration of Independence. He’d tell me, ‘Don’t trust anyone whose name ends in a vowel.’”
    Herb’s father’s infatuation with appearances left his son feeling anything but special: “I felt that I just didn’t figure in his life. I don’t know what it was about me that he objected to.”
    To compensate, Herb tried to be perfect. When he was a senior in high school, friends invited him to join the decades-old class ritual of painting their class year number on a local bridge. Herb asked his father for permission to go: “I felt like such a schlemiel. Here I was, asking permission to do something you’re not even supposed to ask permission for and my father saying it was okay to do something like that once in a while.”
    Over time, Herb developed a “doofus” persona. He got depressed, became a loner, and abused drugs. Today, he still feels like a “black sheep” despite his postgraduate degree and good job.
    Self-Assessment
    My parent(s):
Strongly identified with a military, social, religious, or corporate group or credo
Tolerated little dissent, questioning, or uncertainty
Distrusted strangers and “outsiders”
Saw rules and beliefs as more important than relationships or feelings
Viewed situations in black-and-white terms
    Next: Chaotic Parenting
    The next style of controlling parents, Chaotic parents, combines elements of two earlier styles, Smothering and Depriving parents. While Smothering parents overwhelm children with too much or the wrong kind of love and