Free Finding My Forever by Heidi McLaughlin

it in the way she looks at him.
    I used to love Damien that way, even after the abuse started. I thought that if I loved him harder, that if I loved him more, he’d stop. I thought that he’d see how much he was hurting me and realize my pain was because of his fist, but it never stopped. I realized, albeit too late, that he loved hitting me more than I loved taking it.
     
    I pull out the chair across from Josie and Liam. Tonight’s the night. The truth, well most of it, will come out. They look at me expectantly and I want to laugh at how absurd this has all been, but I needed to wait, at least for me, before telling them.
    I fold my hands in front of me and take a deep breath. I smile, hoping to convey that, yes everything is okay, even if it might not be.
    “What’s up?” Liam asks, breaking the ice. I know he’s busy and I’m probably keeping him from something important.
    I look away, down at my hands and say, “I’m pregnant.”
    The audible gasp is from Josie. I’m picturing her with her hand over her mouth. I hear nothing from Liam. I chance a look and am met with indifference. I can’t tell what he’s thinking. Even though we’ve only known each other a short time, it’s been enough for us to form a bond.
    “How far are you?” Josie asks, her voice wavering.
    I bite the inside of my cheek and straighten out the tablecloth. “I’m past my first trimester. I’m starting to show. My clothes are tighter and my mom knows. But she can’t really keep a secret and is dying to tell you. I know she’s excited.” I chance a look at Josie. She’s smiling widely and that makes me feel relieved.
    “Who’s the father? I haven’t seen you with anyone, ever.” Liam’s words remind me that I’ve been alone and will continue to be that way.
    “Liam,” Josie scolds.
    “What?” he shrugs. “I’m just asking. She’s family, right?” Josie nods. “Well, if she has someone in her life, I’d like to know him.”
    “You can’t,” I blurt out.
    “Why not?” he asks.
    “Because he’s not around.”
    “What do you mean ‘ he’s not around’ ?” Liam’s tone is hard and to the point.
    I swallow hard and square myself for battle. “I’ve decided not to tell him. We’re not together and he doesn’t live here. It’s for the best.” Josie’s face goes pale just as Liam’s turns red.
    “Are you kidding me?”
    I shake my head and bite the inside of my cheek.
    “You know what, that’s some very selfish bullshit. Josie tried to tell me that she was pregnant and it kills me every day knowing that I wasn’t there for her and Noah. I wasn’t given a fucking choice on whether or not I was going to be a douche or not. It was made for me. What makes you think the father doesn’t want to be involved?”
    “He’s younger and not in the right frame of mind to be in this situation.”
    “So why sleep with him?”
    “Liam,” Josie scolds again.
    “No, I want to know. You have to know the risk when you decide to sleep with someone. Hell, I knew and the biggest bitch burned me. Men don’t think of these things when we’re having sex, but women do. Your clocks tick and all that shit. So if he’s not father material, why do it?”
    Tears stream down my cheeks while Liam rants. I know he’s right, but it’s not like we planned this. It just happened.
    “It wasn’t planned, Liam. It was a one night stand.” I take a deep breath. “It’s not ideal, but it’s my decision. I can do this by myself.”
    “Until your ex comes around. I’m sure once he finds out that you’re pregnant with another man’s baby that will set him off.”
    I nod because he’s right. Damien always wanted a baby and I did everything I could to prevent us from conceiving.
    “I’ll deal with him then.”
    “No, we’ll deal with it. You have to tell the father, Jenna.”
    “I can’t.”
    “Why not? He has a right to know,” Liam pleads.
    “I’m pretty sure he regrets sleeping with me. I don’t need to see