Free The Gandhian Adventures of Raj & Iqbal: A Novel by Zubin J. Shroff

about what we have to say was quite silly, I knew that sometimes you have to pursue silly ideas when dealing with madmen.
    Of course, there were no plants in the brightly lit sitting room where we were sitting, so I stood up from my seat and asked for a toilet.
    You will have to go to the toilet, said Netaji, because the toilet cannot be brought to you.
    Yes yes of course, I said while ignoring Iqbal’s look of embarrassment. It did not matter what my brother in life thought of me at this point. When I succeeded in getting us ejected and expunged from this place, he would understand and we would be like brothers once again.
    So Bhatkoo entered, and with the dirty smirk of a servant of a powerful madman, he led me out of the sitting room.
    Clearing space for the Bombay-duck? said Bhatkoo with a smirk.
    Bombay-duck? I said in panic.
    Yes, said Bhatkoo, the Netaji has ordered some to be prepared for your friend and you. Double-fried with extra-double salt.
    Now I was worried. I knew that Iqbal was a small eater even at the biggest of occasions, but when it came to Bombay-duck, there was no equal on the western coasts of India. Part of this I think came from the fact that Iqbal’s wife did all the cooking in the house, and although she is a sweet thing and is very nice to Iqbal, she refuses to cook Bombay-duck on account of the smell. And so, when you are denied something at home on a regular basis, then when you are offered that thing outside on an irregular basis, you tend to overdo it. And this was the case with Iqbal and the Bombay-duck.
    I thought some more on the topic as I expunged myself in the toilet. At first my confidence and resolve wavered, but soon it passed and I felt light and refreshed and ready to insult those bloody plants. Sometimes a man must upset his brother in order to save the man who is blinded by the spicy charms of the slender and salty Bombay-duck. In this case my brother was also the man blinded by said spicy charms, and so I stepped out into the hydroponic garden and looked around for a suitable candidate to abuse.
    Close to me there were some tomato hydroponics. Now I remembered that after speaking with the pao-bhaji-walla I had decided that tomatoes were less perfect and hence less desirable than onions, and so I thought this was a sign for me to abuse these tomato plants. Of course, personally I love the tomato, but I could not imagine that this sweet red bulbous plant would lose much sleep over my abuse. After all, if the plant was smart enough to understand that I am abusing it, then it should be wise enough to note that I am under the pressure of being in the dark bulbous hole of a madman, and I am only trying to save myself and my brother in life.
    So I confidently and lightly stepped forward and stood next to the red sweet tomato and took a deep breath, looking around to make sure that Bhatkoo and a few other attendants were close enough to hear my abuses.
    You stupid red bulbous blob of redness, I said.
    I waited for a reaction from either the plant or the attendants, but neither party seemed to notice. So I stepped closer and spoke louder.
    Ay, you bloody tomato with your funny face and ugly smell, I said.
    Now Bhatkoo looked over at me with suspicion, but still he did not approach. Instead, he gestured to some other attendants, three of whom came to Bhatkoo to see what he was gesturing about. Now I had an audience, and so I pulled out the big ones.
    Perhaps if you were an onion you would get more respect, I said to the innocent-looking tomato, but you are just a silly tomato and deserving of not even a private room with lock-and-key.
    At this point I swore the tomato fruits moved a little bit. At first I thought it was the wind, but we were in a dark hole with no fans and so no wind. Obviously it was my imagination. Or perhaps I was weak and fragile and hallucinating due to not having eaten lunch yet. After all, since morning I had only consumed toast, jam, butter, tea, milk, sugar,