Free The She-Hulk Diaries by Marta Acosta

I’ll give the little weasel his money back!” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a checkbook. He snapped his fingers and one of the girls brought out a pen from her clutch. “Kaspar, you could have gotten laid big-time, you could have been a man, but you’re too much of a wuss and you had to go running to mommy to take care of you.”
    “Confident men do not denigrate women,” I said. “Cease abusing my client or I shall seek redress.”
    Norman took the check and gave me a big smile as we were leaving. He had very nice teeth. “Thank you, Jennifer! You were so brave.”
    “Only about legal things. I hate bullies.” We stood out on the cold dark street.
    “How did you know that code right off the top of your head?”
    I knew it because Shulky has been charged in violation of Section 240.26 once a few times frequently. I said, “I really wanted to watch the show.”
    “I live near here? That’s not a line because, uh, I prefer girls my height. Looking up at you is giving me a neck crick.”
    My resolution to make new friends hadn’t started yet, and I was planning to turn him down, when he said, “I have a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos?”
    He seemed sweet once he’d dropped the douche act. “Sure. We can catch the last two hours.”
    I expected a grubby studio, but Nelson had a terrific space with comfortable leather furniture, dark wood floors, a big-screen TV, and a fireplace that he soon had roaring. I found out that he was a dentist, which explained his great smile. He spent several minutes deliberating on the right wine for Doritos, and finally decided on ale from a new microbrewery.
    While we watched the show, we talked about the fight scenes. Well,
I
talked about the fight scenes and he asked questions and then said, “Jen, how come you know so much about sword fighting?”
    “When I was a kid, my cousin and I used to battle it out in the fields with sticks. I never stopped. It was always fun.”
    “I couldn’t do anything like that,” he said. “I’m not brave?”
    “Nelson, most people would be terrified to do your job. I’m sure you could learn the fundamentals of swordsmanship.”
    “You think so?”
    “Absolutely.”
    I taught him a few basic moves with umbrellas. He was a fast study and listened to instructions. I was nice and cozy as the TV blared, the fire crackled, and Nelson practiced feints and jabs. He threw the awful T-shirt in the flames and we toasted with a second bottle of beer. I told him about the Forestiers, and he said he’d like to go to the next meet-up and asked if there would be any shortish girls there. I told him yes, because Amy Stewart-Lee was shortish, single, and always brushed and flossed after lunch.
    I’d gone outside my comfort zone, and after an initial awkwardness, I’d made a new friend, enjoyed delicious salad dressing-flavored chips, and watched an exhilarating show. Nelson complimented my smile, which made those years of braces seem worthwhile, and even gave me pocket-size samples of dental floss!
    The entire evening had passed without me fixating on Ellis. With Amber. In their brownstone. Having naked sex while he sang her a love song about sensual consensual mitosis and rhymed it with “Too much Gin gave me emotional cirrhosis.”

JURY INSTRUCTIONS
JANUARY 23
    After reviewing my Valentine’s Day Resolutions, I realized that most are contingent upon getting a job and a boyfriend. Would it have been better to structure them in a diagram with consecutive steps, or would that slow down all progress? I’m beginning to see other bugs in my plan. For example, how can I have a real date for Valentine’s Day when Valentine’s Day was the official start to my resolutions? Luckily, I have time to amend my goals!
    AMENDMENT A: I will assign points to every achievement and work toward 100 cumulative points per week. That way, if I don’t get a job ASAP, which I’m giving 500 points because a job is a really big deal, I can compensate with social