Free Dear Coca-Cola by Terry Ravenscroft Page B

little too high. I suggest that a more appropriate and believable name might have been 'I Can't Believe It's Not Vegetable Oils, Buttermilk, Water, Salt, Milk Proteins, Lactic Acid, Emulsifier, Nono and Di Gycerides, Lecithin, Preservative, Sorbic Acid, Vitamins A, D and E, Flavouring, Colour and Natural Carotene,' which is what it actually is, or at least that’s what it claims on the wrapper. Perhaps 'I Can't Believe It's Not Axle Grease,' which is what it actually tastes like.?
     
    Who are these people who 'Can't Believe It's Not Butter'? A special race of people who have their taste buds removed at puberty?
     
    It is my intention to report your spurious claim to the authorities unless you can give me one good reason why I shouldn't.
     
    Yours faithfully
     
    T Ravenscroft (Mr)
     
    ****
     
    Van den Bergh Foods
    Telephone: 01293 648000 Facsimile: 01293 Direct line: 01293 648
    REF 0059336A
    April 15,
    Mr T Ravenscroft
    17 Lingland Road
    New Mills
    CHESHIRE
     
    Dear Mr Ravenscroft
     
    Thank you for your recent letter from which we were most concerned to learn that you were disappointed with your purchase of a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
     
    Before any products are launched by us on a national scale, they are first test marketed in one or two areas for a long period of time. In this way we are able to collect all kinds of consumer reaction to the product, the type and design of packaging and, of course, texture and taste but we do appreciate that taste is a matter of personal preference.
     
    In view of the above, we are sorry that you have been disappointed. We would, however, like to thank you for the interest you have shown in our product.
     
    Yours sincerely
     
    Jayne Pratt
    Customer Services Manager
     
    ****
     
    17 Lingland Road
    New Mills
    CHESHIRE
     
    18th April
     
    Your ref 0059336A
     
    Jayne Pratt
    Van den Bergh Foods Ltd
    Crawley
    West Sussex
     
    Dear Jayne Pratt
     
    Thank you for your letter of 15th April.
     
    You are right, taste is indeed a personal preference. It was therefore with some surprise that I noted your company motto on your letter heading reads 'In touch with people's tastes.' By your own admission - 'that taste is a personal preference' - this is a false statement. To be truthful and meaningful your motto should be 'In touch with some people's taste', or, even more truthfully, 'In touch with the taste of people who haven't got any taste.' I also couldn't help noticing that you have a Royal Warrant to supply Her Majesty The Queen with Low Fat Spreads and Margarine. No wonder she always looks miserable.
     
    Yours faithfully
     
    T Ravenscroft (Mr)
     
    ****
     
    17 Lingland Road
    New Mills
    CHESHIRE
     
     
    14th April
    John West Foods Ltd
    Bixteth Street
    Liverpool
     
    Dear John West
     
    I am suffering from a personal medical condition of which I will spare you the details. However my doctor says it might help if I cut down on my salt intake. Unfortunately I just love anchovies, and especially John West Anchovies in Olive Oil, which are, of course, extremely salty. I really wouldn't like to forego my daily tin of anchovies if it can be avoided, and with this in mind I was wondering if you do a low salt or salt free version?
     
    Yours faithfully
     
    T Ravenscroft (Mr)
     
    ****
     
    JOHN WEST
     
    KW/DLF
    21st April
    Mr T Ravenscroft
    17 Lingland Road
    New Mills
    Cheshire
     
    Dear Mr Ravenscroft
     
    Thank you for your letter of 14th April.
     
    I regret that we do not do a low salt or salt free anchovy. It is important to have the right salt levels to preserve the product and a free salt version would have to be a fully retorted product becoming a product like Brisling or Sardines.
     
    I am sorry therefore we cannot help at this time.
     
    Yours sincerely
     
    KEITH WILSON
    MARKET MANAGER
     
    ****
     
    17 Lingland Road
    New Mills
    CHESHIRE
     
    24th April
    Keith Wilson
    John West Foods Ltd
    Liverpool
     
    Dear Keith Wilson
     
    Thank you for your letter of 21sth