Free Spooky Little Girl by Laurie Notaro

have a good singing voice! I want to hit Mariah Carey high notes!”
    Ruby waited a moment before she said anything.
    “True, you didn’t make it to a higher level, but that could be due to a variety of things—maybe you didn’t have enough time in the game to really complete all of the tasks you needed to before your leg drifted to the bottom of the ocean, or a three-ton city bus rendered you one-dimensional, or your head rolled into a pile of garbage,” she attempted to explain to her charges. “Maybe you were thinking about making a contribution to the humane society but bought yourself a frilly, fancy push-up bra instead. With insufficient insulation, I might add. Maybe you didn’t say you were sorry enough times when you knew you were wrong. Maybe you told a homeless vet to get a job instead of giving him a dollar to get some soup. Maybe you voted for George Bush one too many times. Maybe you put guns into the hands of children, who knows? I don’t know. I do know the reasons for every one of you are different, but this is your chance to make it up, to sort of fix things.”
    “Am I really in Hell because I wanted to have a beer with George Bush?” Bethanny asked sadly.
    “Oh, Bethanny,” Ruby said sympathetically. “Please don’t be sad. This is not Hell. Hell is in a different part of the building altogether. This is your chance to shine, so to speak. Because if there ever was an afterlife, this is it. Your same life, but after you’re dead. You’re all going back.
    “My dears, you’re in ghost school.”
    My subconscious is amazing
, Lucy thought after being told this latest information.
Now I’m a ghost? Classic. I’ve never been a ghost in my
dreams before. I’ve been chased, suddenly pregnant, lost, late for a plane, trying repeatedly to dial a phone, taking a test I never studied for, watching a tornado coming toward my house, flying over mountains, but I’ve never been a
ghost in ghost school
before. That is a first. It’s just like a little ghost classroom, too
, Lucy noted as she looked around.
Here I am, sitting at a desk with a bunch of people around me that I don’t particularly like, with a crazy old woman at the front of the classroom who’s our teacher. And now I have to find someone to have lunch with
.
    But suddenly, Lucy got a feeling that something wasn’t quite right. A flush of alarm engulfed her and she immediately froze. Something was off. Something didn’t fit. If she was having a dream about school, she realized, there was always a constant. Always. Whether she was taking a test, trying out for cheerleading, being called on to make a presentation she hadn’t prepared for, there was always one common thread.
    Always
.
    Lucy hesitated before she looked down, but when she did and saw her jeans and her corduroy jacket and saw that they were indeed on her, she realized quickly that she could not be dreaming.
    She was not naked.
    And if she was in a classroom and was not naked, there was no way this could be a dream, and if this wasn’t a dream, that meant that she was, very much so, dead.
    And not only dead, but a spook.
    “Oh, my God, I’m dead,” Lucy suddenly gasped, and then emitted a stunned laugh. “So I didn’t make it. I didn’t make the cut. I didn’t make advanced choir in junior high because I had mono, I didn’t make it into college because I slept through my alarm and was too hungover to take the SATs, and now I even DIED and I haven’t made the cut to the afterlife. I’m just a ghost. I don’t evenget to be
all the way
dead. I was always picked last, and this is just like being an alternate. I always knew the white light was bullshit!”
    “Now, now, now, there are some benefits to being at this level, you know,” Ruby quickly interjected, trying to calm Lucy. “You need to see this more positively. There is a white light, but it’s not one you want to go into, and I’ll explain that in more detail when we reach that section in your