hair is fucking everywhere, not sure when I lost the elastic.
"Went to work. Had to leave." I look at them and they don't get it. I gotta open my mouth, tell my boys what I've done to them. And Christ, I didn't know that anything could hurt like this.
"I ... I got a positive test."
Paul's off the couch and on me before I can blink, holding me and telling me it's gonna be okay. He's shaking. I gather him up and start talking, tell him I'm always so careful at work, that I can't remember being stuck, that I'm sure the lab made a mistake and oh God, Paul I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
He's listening. He's nodding his head. He's telling me that I'm right, that the lab made a mistake, that he knows how careful I am. He's telling me that the lab will call back and it will all be okay.
We sit there for a bit and then Jamie clears his throat. I reach out, ready to pull him in so I can tell him how scared I am, how sorry I am that I've done this horrible thing to him and Paul.
But he's not there. He's still standing behind the couch.
"You were gonna leave."
I look at him and Paul slides off my lap and sits on the floor at my feet.
73
Gemini
by Chris Owen
"I wasn't thinking, Jamie. Was gonna go before I made you sick. But it could already be too late." I look at my bag.
Jamie's looking at me and he's still mad. "Jamie, I'm sorry. I just wanted to save you from—"
"Who did you think it was?" His eyes. Oh fuck, his eyes are hard and I don't understand.
"I told you, I don't remember anything. Can't remember getting stuck, can't remember cuts or scrapes—"
"Jamie thinks you figured one of us was screwing around,"
Paul says real quietly.
Everything stops. Jamie looks at me and I can't tell what he's thinking. One of them? One of my boys cheating? The thought hadn't crossed my mind. Until now. And because I'm scared and drunk and hurt and for a million other bad reasons I say, "Guilty conscience, Jamie?"
"Fuck you." He turns and leaves, goes to the bedroom.
Paul goes after him.
I stay where I am.
I can hear them. I can hear them yelling, Jamie swearing and Paul telling him to calm down. Paul's telling him that I didn't mean it, that before Jamie said it I hadn't even thought of it. Jamie says something about not even knowing what the positive was for and I remember the message on the machine. I don't know either.
It goes on for ages. I can hear them talking quietly for a long time. I fall asleep in the chair.
It feels really late when I wake up. It's still dark, and the lights are all off except the one on the side table, next to the 74
Gemini
by Chris Owen
couch. My bag is gone. I try to sit up, but I feel sick, so I stay where I am.
Then there are arms lifting me, carrying me to the couch, and I can lie down. A cool hand pushes my hair off my face and I try to open my eyes, but I can't. I whisper "Thanks,"
and go back to sleep.
The next time I wake up it's almost morning. Jamie is sitting on the couch beside me, brushing my hair. He's not making any noise, but his face is wet.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I never thought that. I didn't, Jamie. It's my fault. I'm so sorry."
He shakes his head and says, "No. Not your fault. Nothing is wrong with you. There can't be, we just found you, see?
I'm sorry. I'm scared and I thought you were walking out on us too, and I just didn't think and I'm so sorry, Gent."
I push myself up. "Not walking. Not running. Just ... just please, Jamie. Tell me you know that I trust you."
He nods and leans forward, his forehead on mine. "I know it. I really do. I'm so sorry I was such a bastard."
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "We okay?"
He kisses me really softly. "We're okay. And you are, too.
You have to be."
We sit there while the sun comes up, Jamie brushing my hair and me trying not to think.
Paul comes out of the bedroom at seven thirty. He looks at us and comes over, kisses us both good morning and sits down on the floor.
"Gent?"
"Yeah,
"Went to work. Had to leave." I look at them and they don't get it. I gotta open my mouth, tell my boys what I've done to them. And Christ, I didn't know that anything could hurt like this.
"I ... I got a positive test."
Paul's off the couch and on me before I can blink, holding me and telling me it's gonna be okay. He's shaking. I gather him up and start talking, tell him I'm always so careful at work, that I can't remember being stuck, that I'm sure the lab made a mistake and oh God, Paul I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
He's listening. He's nodding his head. He's telling me that I'm right, that the lab made a mistake, that he knows how careful I am. He's telling me that the lab will call back and it will all be okay.
We sit there for a bit and then Jamie clears his throat. I reach out, ready to pull him in so I can tell him how scared I am, how sorry I am that I've done this horrible thing to him and Paul.
But he's not there. He's still standing behind the couch.
"You were gonna leave."
I look at him and Paul slides off my lap and sits on the floor at my feet.
73
Gemini
by Chris Owen
"I wasn't thinking, Jamie. Was gonna go before I made you sick. But it could already be too late." I look at my bag.
Jamie's looking at me and he's still mad. "Jamie, I'm sorry. I just wanted to save you from—"
"Who did you think it was?" His eyes. Oh fuck, his eyes are hard and I don't understand.
"I told you, I don't remember anything. Can't remember getting stuck, can't remember cuts or scrapes—"
"Jamie thinks you figured one of us was screwing around,"
Paul says real quietly.
Everything stops. Jamie looks at me and I can't tell what he's thinking. One of them? One of my boys cheating? The thought hadn't crossed my mind. Until now. And because I'm scared and drunk and hurt and for a million other bad reasons I say, "Guilty conscience, Jamie?"
"Fuck you." He turns and leaves, goes to the bedroom.
Paul goes after him.
I stay where I am.
I can hear them. I can hear them yelling, Jamie swearing and Paul telling him to calm down. Paul's telling him that I didn't mean it, that before Jamie said it I hadn't even thought of it. Jamie says something about not even knowing what the positive was for and I remember the message on the machine. I don't know either.
It goes on for ages. I can hear them talking quietly for a long time. I fall asleep in the chair.
It feels really late when I wake up. It's still dark, and the lights are all off except the one on the side table, next to the 74
Gemini
by Chris Owen
couch. My bag is gone. I try to sit up, but I feel sick, so I stay where I am.
Then there are arms lifting me, carrying me to the couch, and I can lie down. A cool hand pushes my hair off my face and I try to open my eyes, but I can't. I whisper "Thanks,"
and go back to sleep.
The next time I wake up it's almost morning. Jamie is sitting on the couch beside me, brushing my hair. He's not making any noise, but his face is wet.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I never thought that. I didn't, Jamie. It's my fault. I'm so sorry."
He shakes his head and says, "No. Not your fault. Nothing is wrong with you. There can't be, we just found you, see?
I'm sorry. I'm scared and I thought you were walking out on us too, and I just didn't think and I'm so sorry, Gent."
I push myself up. "Not walking. Not running. Just ... just please, Jamie. Tell me you know that I trust you."
He nods and leans forward, his forehead on mine. "I know it. I really do. I'm so sorry I was such a bastard."
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. "We okay?"
He kisses me really softly. "We're okay. And you are, too.
You have to be."
We sit there while the sun comes up, Jamie brushing my hair and me trying not to think.
Paul comes out of the bedroom at seven thirty. He looks at us and comes over, kisses us both good morning and sits down on the floor.
"Gent?"
"Yeah,
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