Free I'll Mature When I'm Dead by Dave Barry Page A

point, the dog would grasp the fact that there are a lot of smells in the world, and move on. But that’s because you don’t have a dog yet.

What Kind of Dog Should You Get?
    This is a complex question, and you need to consider many factors before you arrive at the correct answer, which is: A big dog.
    What do I mean by “a big dog”? I mean “a dog that can knock over a standard-sized elderly woman it has never seen before because it is so happy to meet her.” You do not want one of those yappy gerbil-sized dogs that travel as carry-on luggage and are always nervous because at any moment they could be eaten by grasshoppers. These are unhappy, angry dogs, because they know in their tiny gerbil hearts that everybody except their immediate owners hates them.
    The sole advantage of small dogs is that they are portable. My wife and I once attended a New Year’s Eve party at a swank private club on South Beach, and as we entered we saw a woman in a pretty much nonexistent dress carrying a small dog in the cleavage of her breasts , which I suspect were artificial inasmuch as any given one of them was the size of a Toyota Camry. The dog was a Yorkshire terrier, although this particular woman had enough capacity for a mature Rottweiler. You would think that a cleavage-dwelling dog would be happy, but this one was just as neurotic as any other small dog. I know, because I observed it closely until my wife made me stop.
    But unless you have reason to transport your dog in your bazoomage, you want a large dog. You should get it at a rescue shelter, where it has been sitting around building up a huge throbbing storehouse of love, which it will lavish on you in a lifelong outpouring of affection, loyalty, and—above all—drool.

Preparing Your Home for Your New Dog
    Dogs are descended from wolf-like animals that roamed in packs millions of years ago, when most of North America was covered by thick virgin forest, which is gone now because the dogs chewed it into spit-covered splinters. Modern dogs have retained this powerful chewing instinct, and will spend countless hours chewing on random objects. It’s basically their hobby, kind of like Sudoku, only not as pointless.
    So before you introduce your new dog to your home, you need to remove all chewable objects, including shoes, clothing, rugs, draperies, chairs, sofas, slow-moving children, and anything that has a plug. In fact it might be a good idea, before introducing the dog to your home, to introduce it, late at night, to somebody else’s home; you can visit it there until it gets over the chewing phase, which typically lasts until about fifteen minutes before the dog’s death.
    If you’re feeling crazy and decide to bring the dog into your own personal home, you need to learn:

How to Train Your Dog
    You should start with house-training, which is important because dogs will try to “mark” your house as their territory by urinating on it, much as members of Congress put their names on buildings that taxpayers have paid for.
    The key to successful house-training is to lead by example . Wait until your dog is watching you, then declare, in a calm yet authoritative voice: “Time to drain the lizard!” Immediately stride outside, urinate on your lawn, and reward yourself with a treat. Repeat these steps until the dog grasps the concept or you run out of beer.
    Other useful commands to teach your dog are “stay,” “heel,” “remove your snout from that person’s groin,” “stop humping the Barcalounger,” “do not bark violently for two straight hours at inanimate objects such as a flowerpot,” “do not eat poop,” and “if you must eat poop, then at least refrain from licking my face afterward.”
    To teach these commands to your dog, you need three things: (1) patience; (2) consistency; and (3) a dog from another planet. Earth-based dogs, at least in my experience, lack the requisite number of brain cells to learn them. The only trick I’ve ever been