Free I'll Mature When I'm Dead by Dave Barry

how there was no decent pizza out there, and how if New York had a vast trackless swamp, it would be WAY better than the Everglades, and so on. Pretty soon the pythons would get tired of this, and leave. Or, eat the New Yorkers. Either way is fine with me.
    So to summarize your tips for visiting Miami:
    • Don’t fly here.
    • Don’t drive.
    • Don’t take public transportation.
    • Don’t walk.
    • Don’t go outside.
    • Avoid human contact in general, especially baby showers.
    • Whatever you do, do NOT come during hurricane season, which runs from June through the following June.
    Other than these basic safety precautions, my only advice is: Have fun! Because Miami really is a fun town, once you adjust to it. I moved here in 1986 from the United States, and I’ve come to love it. In fact, if you visit, you might find yourself in my “neck of the woods.” You might even see me outside, picking up my newspaper!
    If so, duck.

Dog Ownership for Beginners

Introduction
    Becoming a first-time dog-owner is a big step. It’s like getting married, except that your new spouse will want to have sex with you, whereas your new dog will want to have sex with you and your furniture.
    But make no mistake: When you get a dog, you’re entering into a serious long-term relationship. A dog is a companion that, if you feed it and pet it and pretend that you sincerely want to take away its ball, will give you, in return, totally unqualified love. You could be Charles Manson, or Hitler, or even a lawyer who advertises on television, and your dog will still think you’re the greatest thing ever. This tells you something very important about dogs: They are not very bright .
    This is actually good. The last thing you want is a smart dog. My friends Buzz and Libby Burger once had a smart dog, and it was a nightmare. She was an Afghan hound named Doodle, and she did not care to take orders or be in any way confined. This was a problem because not only was she more intelligent than anybody in reality television, but she was also capable of land speeds in excess of three hundred miles per hour. If Libby and Buzz wanted to go out for dinner at 7 P.M., they had to start at 3 P.M. attempting to lure Doodle into the house using elaborate charades involving treats, fake departures, disguises, professional actors, computers, helicopters, holograms, live chickens, etc. Doodle would watch these goings-on, clearly amused, until Buzz or Libby had crept within one step of being close enough to grab her, then whoosh she’d dematerialize, Wile-E.-Coyote style, leaving Buzz or Libby grasping a cloud of Doodle-shaped dust as Doodle herself disappeared into the woods to manage her global hedge fund or whatever the hell she did in there.
    That’s not the kind of dog you want. You want a dog that will run headfirst at full speed into a wall chasing a ball that you have only pretended to throw. You want a dog that will do this ten consecutive times, and still, on your eleventh fake throw, launch itself at the wall with undiminished enthusiasm. You want a dog that considers you brilliant because of all the amazing things you can do, such as open a door; a dog that worships you as a treat-dispensing god; a dog that, when you have an intestinal flu and reek like a Hong Kong dumpster because you have not showered or changed pajamas or brushed your teeth in four days, and you are crouched in the bathroom spewing random fluids and semi-solids from every orifice you possess, your dog is right there next to you, wagging its tail and licking you and just generally doing everything it can to communicate the message: “Wow! You have never smelled more interesting !”
    Smell is very important to dogs. They have extremely sensitive noses, and they use their sense of smell to gather and process important information about the world around them, as follows:
    “Hey! A smell!” “Hey! Another smell!” “Hey! ANOTHER smell!” etc. You’d think that, at some