Free I'll Mature When I'm Dead by Dave Barry Page B

able to teach any of my dogs is “shake hands,” which is not particularly useful. If Lassie were one of my dogs, when little Timmy got trapped in the quicksand and shouted, “Go get help, girl!,” Lassie would sit at the edge of the quicksand pit and give Timmy high fives on the top of his head with her paw until he disappeared beneath the muck. Then, her work done, she’d trot briskly away, on the alert for her next mission. (“Hey! A smell!”)

Feeding Your Dog
    What kind of dog food is best for your dog? Many dog owners have strong views on this subject, which is one way you can tell they are insane. The best food for your dog is: brown dog food. Oh, sure, you’ll see TV ads claiming that a certain brand is superior, as evidenced by the fact that the dog in the commercial is enthusiastically chowing down on it. But what these ads fail to tell you is that the same dog would chow down, with equal enthusiasm, on any other brand of dog food, or any brand of cat food, or an actual cat, or a pair of soiled underpants, or the Declaration of Independence, or a clarinet.
    Dogs did not get where they are today by being picky eaters. Back in prehistoric times, they were competing with the rest of their pack for food, and if they came across, say, the decaying carcass of a mastodon, they had to snatch whatever piece they could, because if they didn’t, some other dog would. They’d swallow the piece quickly, and then, if it didn’t agree with them, they’d simply throw it back up later, and some other dog would eat it. Or maybe the same dog would eat it again, because, as we have established, dogs are not the nuclear physicists of the animal kingdom. In this manner a pack of dogs could transport a single rancid mastodon rectum thousands of miles.
    In modern times dogs still operate on the principle that you should eat first and worry later about whether what you ate was edible. My current dog, Lucy, eats, among many other things, photo albums. The first time she did this, we told her she was Bad, which made her feel very sorry and press herself into the floor like a big hairy remorseful worm. But a few days later she ate another photo album. Again she felt terribly guilty, but she obviously believed, in what passes for her mind, that she had no choice, because if she didn’t eat the album, another dog might, and that was a chance she simply could not afford to take.

Brushing Your Dog’s Teeth
    Don’t be an idiot.

Playing with Your Dog
    It’s important to play with your dog, because otherwise it will become bored and develop an OxyContin habit. Here are some good games for you and your dog:
    Fetch: Show the dog a ball, then throw it. The dog will run after it and pick it up. Now try to get the dog to bring it back. Ha-ha! Be prepared for hours of rollicking fun.
    Keep Away: Your dog will have at least one object that it considers to be highly desirable, such as a filthy saliva-drenched chew toy or the femur of a UPS driver. Wait until the dog is chewing on this object, then sneak up and, with a swift but authoritative motion, snatch the object away, hold it up in front of the dog, and say, “This is mine , do you understand? MINE!!” Your dog will become agitated and try to get the object back, but you must never give it back, ever. You must take it to your grave , or the dog will win.
    Chess: This is another game where you should be able to establish your dominance. Do not let the dog go first.

Emptying Your Dog’s Impacted Anal Scent Glands
    See “Brushing Your Dog’s Teeth.”

Conclusion
    As we have seen, dog ownership is really just a matter of common sense. If you follow the procedures described in this article, your dog will reward you with a lifetime of love and loyalty in the form of lying on the floor right next to you silently emitting nuclear farts.
    Another way to go is tropical fish.

My Hollywood Career

    The Big Dumpster
    I n the field of professional writing, the best job is screenwriter. Why?