Free What You Really Really Want by Jaclyn Friedman

why that thing scares you and how bad it would be if that scary thing happened. Then reread what you’ve just written, and write for five more minutes taking the other position: arguing why that feared thing is unlikely to happen, or easily preventable, or not that bad after all.
    Sensing a theme here? The Terrible Trio can be powerful and insidious, but you don’t have to let them rule you. And your best defense against them is information: separating fact from fiction, yes, but also separating the things you’ve been taught to believe about sex from what actually makes sense to you when you really think about it. Ever heard the phrase “sunlight is the best disinfectant”? It applies here, and what it means is this: If you’re infected with the Terrible Trio, the best way to get rid of them is to shine the light of fact and thought on them.

    Go Deeper:
    1. Take a big blank page in your journal and write your name in the very center. Then think about the people who’ve influenced the way you feel about your sexuality and yourself. Put the names of those who’ve influenced you most closest to you, and the ones who’ve influenced you less farther away, to make a cluster diagram. Now mark the ones who encourage you to feel shame, blame, or fear about your sexuality with an “S,” “B,” or “F,” as appropriate. And mark the ones who encourage you to reject the Terrible Trio with a star. Now make a new diagram. This time, put the people you want to have the most influence on you closest to you, and those whose influence you want to minimize farthest away.
    2. Using magazines or the Internet, find images that represent all the bad things you can think of that are blamed on sexual women. Make a collage of these images, print it out if it’s online, and then take the collage, a deep metal bowl, and some matches over to a sink or bathtub. Making sure that nothing flammable is nearby, put the collage in the bowl and the bowl in the sink or bathtub, and then light it on fire and watch it burn. (Alternative: If burning isn’t practical where you live, run it through a shredder, soak it in water until it disintegrates, or rip it into tiny pieces.)
    3. Make a list of names used for prudes and sluts. Write another list of names—at least as long as the first one—for women who are proud and sexual. Make these up if you need to.

    4. Write a list of five sexual practices that are considered taboo. Write a list of five sexual things you enjoy doing.
    5. Write a letter to someone who put you down, letting them know how hurtful this felt (an ex, an advertiser, a boss, a friend).
    6. Write a letter to someone telling them how much you value how they see you and understand who you really are.

CHAPTER 3
    I’M OKAY, YOU’RE OKAY
    S O, NOW THAT YOU’VE FINISHED CHAPTERS 1 AND 2, YOU’VE sorted out your own beliefs from the forces that have influenced you and rejected the Terrible Trio. You’re all set, right?
    Just kidding. Of course you’re not! This is a long journey, and you’re off to a good start. But a word of patience: Change doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t happen all in a neat little line, either. You may have epiphanies along the way that make you feel clearer than you’ve ever been, and then the next day something can happen—someone says something to you, you see something on TV, maybe it’s something in this book—that throws you for a loop, and you feel more confused than ever. That’s normal. You’re in the process of reevaluating a pretty deeply rooted part of your identity. It’s going to be a bumpy ride for at least part of it. So, if you’re feeling great right now and can’t wait to dive in further, that’s awesome. And if you’re feeling overwhelmed or confused, that’s okay, too. It just means you’re on the journey, and that’s what counts. Just